NORAD is urging Americans to remain calm after a Russian janitor accidentally knocked over a bucket which flipped a mop which somehow struck the launch button of one of Russia's nuclear missiles. "We're sorry" the Russian president told President Bush during an emergency IM session saying, "We have scolded the janitor AND taken his mop. He is no longer allowed in the silos."
NORAD says that fortunately the missile is an old style rocket, left over from the cold war. Carrying only a single nuclear warhead the missile although a slow one does have the ability to circle the planet 2 times before finally re-entering the earth's atmosphere and blowing SOME unlucky American city to, as Tony Blair put it, "bloody smithereens".
"We've got at least 3 days lead time with this one" one NORAD official said adding,
"That's 3 days more lead time than the folks in New Orleans had before Katrina completely surprised them right out of the blue."
NASA satellites have pinpointed the Soviet missile still above Russia, still climbing now at an altitude of 24,000 miles or about 1/10th the distance to the moon.
NORAD says the missile will probably slow down in about 9 hours, turn around and slowly fall back to Earth where it's inertial guidance system will kick in, re-entry sometime around Saturday evening sometime between Larry King Live and Dick Clark's Rock'n New Year's Eve..
President Bush also urged Americans not to panic. In an emergency speech from his Crawford ranch he said,
"Look on the bright side my fellow Americans. There's only one missile, one warhead. That means that only one United States city will be wiped off the face of the planet. We don't know WHICH American city but THAT's what kinda makes this whole mop bucket thing kinda fun if you think about it .. not knowing where it's going to hit. Laura bets Salt Lake City but I'm going to guess .. Winston Salem. Condi says she doesn't want play. She's always like that."
Russia is hoping that the United States does not retaliate after the janitor's missile hits.
"We put the janitor on leave" Russia again said adding,
"It was all a BIG mistake, the bucket, the mop, all just a funny accident like your 3 Stooges used to have please do not bomb us America."
Residents of California, Texas, Florida, Washington, New York and all states in between are being urged to stock on plywood, bottled water, canned goods, plenty of IPod ITunes and, if possible a well constructed steel reinforced underground bomb shelter capable of surviving a 25 megaton thermonuclear explosion.
