'Stalin Diaries' Unearthed

Funny story written by Captain Dopey

Thursday, 1 December 2005

image for 'Stalin Diaries' Unearthed
Stalin's Favourite Saxophone

Diaries thought to have belonged to former Soviet leader Joseph Stalin have been discovered in a chest of drawers belonging to a Ukrainian historian. The journals were unearthed by amateur academic and one-armed car-park attendant Mr. Grigory Rasputane during a recent clean-out of his garden shed, and cast a completely new light on the entire history of the Soviet Union. The startling assertions include claims that:
Stalin was contemplating a pact with Churchill immediately prior to the approach from Nazi Germany, and only agreed to the Von Ribbentrop-Molotov proposals after receiving assurances - from The Fuhrer himself - that ‘our tanks don't work properly on Steppes'
Stalin suffered from the crippling and rare hair-deficiency disease ‘chin alopecia', and was pathologically jealous of anyone with whiskers. Portraits of Lenin - with his proud and hirsute lower mandible - were banned from The Kremlin during Stalin's rule, and he was more than once disturbed in his headquarters attempting to glue some iron filings onto his jowls.
Chief of the NKVD Beria suffered from periodic episodes of insanity. The man fundamentally responsible for ‘The Great Terror' frequently cowered in fear when shown photographs of moths, and was frightened of venturing outdoors unless provided with stilts.
The documents have yet to be properly validated, but sources at the All-Russian Federation of Astounding Discoveries have provisionally endorsed their authenticity. Dr. Kopek Boulevard, a clever scientist, said of them: "They seem real enough. We've exposed the paper to the most rigorous of analytical procedures, and apart from slight reservations regarding the adverts for 'Daz' we think they're genuine. We're having minor problems with one particular photograph - we don't quite know from where Trotsky got the cowboy outfit, or exactly why Bukharin is wearing a Busby helmet - but in the main we're quietly confident".
Discoverer of the diaries Mr. Rasputane said of them: "I only came across them when I was looking for a shotgun to protect myself from the Mafia because of my colossal gambling debts. I would have thrown them out if my wife hadn't reminded me that I'd received death threats that very evening. Talk about luck!"
Dr. Kopek Boulevard was unavailable for comment this evening, having last been seen driving towards the Russian border at a terrific speed, cackling wildly and drinking champagne.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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