President Of Iran Says He Likes Excitement

Funny story written by Neil Levine

Sunday, 13 November 2005

image for President Of Iran Says He Likes Excitement
Hiss Hiss Bang Bang

An Underground Bunker Somewhere---The President of Iran, Mahmoud Abadinejad, shouts, "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you," three times in rapid succession, stamps his feet into the ground and kicks up a cloud of dust. "That is how you deal with sweaty, ratty scoundrels," he yells. "People who don't like excitement. Boy, are they a pain."

"Saddam was a bad guy. I know because I know bad guys. Let there be no mistake. I am the man. I run Iran. I can make speeches. I will appoint my men to run this country wherever I take it. Let there be no doubt in your mind. Iran is the land of the free and the home of the brave. If you want pistachios or oil, we can talk business. We are also looking at pomegranates. We even have herbal remedies for many common aches and pains, including daily headaches and ringing in the ears, but what we most want is work for banzai warriors who are afraid of nothing and like excitement. Particularly explosions. Big ones. The kind that go bang in the night."

"Ah, I see a visitor. ( Says some nice things about Kofi Annan.) Now there's a man who knows where the action is. I keep hoping he has good news about Iran's right to make unlimited explosions. Let there be no doubt in your mind. We can drown out anything nice you have to say."

"Forget about civilian control and peaceful purposes. The riots were caused by foreign interference. Oh, there were no riots in Iran. Oh, good. Well, there you go. The riots were caused by cruel and insensitive policies denying the rights of youth to express hostility to a patrician regime designed to take care of most physical needs but not the need to be the big man in a world of big men."

"You see that is where Saddam got it wrong. He did not know when to say ‘Uncle." He thought he could bluff his way through a confrontation when what he should have done was pretend to be a peace loving song of a gun. Here in Iran we want eternal peace for all time in the future and for a long time to come. That's our game."

"Oh, how I love explosions. They really wake up sleeper cells to the cause of world domination. I am the big man. I am ... ." (A loud explosion is heard nearby cutting him short.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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