Man Murders Wife's Virtual Guy

Funny story written by Alex99

Sunday, 10 July 2011


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Mr Ohashi Shindo was arrested last night for murdering his wife's virtual boyfriend whom she had created at the dating website, returntothebattleforbloodroyalesothatwecannolongerloveyou.web

Ms Haruka Shindo created her perfect man and called him Akirasan who had the face of a fish, the body of a sumo and the legs of an ostrich. He was never late. He never spoke back. He could cook and clean. He put the seat up when taking a slash and always cleaned around the toilet bowl.He made his wife breakfast in the morning and drove her to work.He put the lid off the Colgate back on the toothpaste after he had cleaned his teeth.He could speak perfect English and say 'You're right dear, I am so sorry,' without appearing to be the least bit insincere.He was tidy and also did his ironing and also did the washing up and the drying up.He was CEO of a successful family in Mafia wars with a network of 2323 members and an empire stretching from Italy to Cuba to Brazil and Las Vegas. He was also a successful farmer and had a huge farm on Farmville.Akira was big in the virtual universe and was obviously going places.Have you ever met a man like this? No-and that's why he looks like a fish.

Ms Shindo spent hours and hours with Akirasan,so much so that she never spoke to her real husband in real life and kept texting messages to her virtual guy who miraculously replied to them all.

On 9th July at 3:30am Mr Shindo arrived home early from his work as as a seamstress to find his wife moaning and groaning in from of the computer which had the picture of her anime vitual guy doing the same back to her. Mr Shindo felt insanely jealous when his wife told him he was leaving him for Akirasan and that they were going to get married.

And what was he going to do about it? The jilted hubby hacked into the Japanese website and deleted all of Akirasan's files and erased all data concerning the virtual boyfriend. And not only this. He sent an email to Zynga saying that Akirasan no longer wanted to play Mafia Wars or Farmville-because he was in fact dead- and could they please erase all informtion about Akira's mafia empire and farm conglomerate? They complied and Akira was demoted to level one in both games and thousands of hours of game time-Akira was level 23,453 in both games- was lost forever and forever.

So, Haruka suddenly found herself alone in the world. Her virtual guy had been murdered and she was no longer the heiress to a virtual fortune. How bad could her day get? Even worse actually since the jealous husband killed off his wife's virtual children-there were ten of them- and slaughtered all her neo pets by starving them to death.

Bereft, alone and hysterical with grief, Haruka Shindo phoned the police who arrested her husband for mass murder and wilful destruction of a virtual empire. Mr Shindo has been released on bail with the condition that he cannot approach a computer or switch on a mobile phone or go anywhere in the world which has satellite coverage. You guessed it-he was been lowered to the bottom of the Marianas trench in the Pacific which is 10,000 metres deep. His trial date is January 23rd, 2014 and let's just hope he doesn't drown by then.

Could Ms Shindo's day get even worse than than it already was? Yes, because it transpired that Mr Shindo was bisexual and had also been dating Akirasan.Mr Shindo had mortgaged the Shindo house to buy one trillion virtual dollars so that he could play Zygnga poker all day and all the night and all through the next life.

As of current time of writing, Ms Haruka Shindo can be found at doing silly things in front of a webcam. And at some point in future it's a fair bet that her husband will surf on in and request virtual sex with her-if he somehow manages to surface from the bottom of the Pacific without exploding, that is.

For yet more shameless marketing see Another Day a short story with a twist in its tale. The first two paragraphs are below.

Today I was sitting at my computer when all of a sudden a fish came flying in through the window. I live on the 134th floor of a skyscraper and I went to my window to see where the fish had come from.

I then got a call asking if the fish was okay and I replied that I thought it was. The phone went dead and as I went to the balcony I felt a blinding flash and saw stars. The phone rang again, and the voice on the other line asked if it was okay to shoot me and I replied that it was alright so long as it did not hurt. I sat down on the couch and it blew up.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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