Kim Jong Ill Assassinated At Long Last!

Funny story written by Alex99

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

image for Kim Jong Ill Assassinated At Long Last!
Myxi Shortly Before He Was Toast

Fifty rabbits were slaughtered at the church of satan led by Magus Last Emperor Kim Jong Ill during the BBC's first ever Songs of Praise broadcast at Hell's Kitchen on July 3rd. One of our reporters was present at the service because he wanted to interview a chinchilla rabbit called Myxi in order to ask him whether he was looking forward to being made into a coat.

Many of our readers have never set foot in a church for decades and this is why we will give a detailed description of a church of satan service to remind them why they stopped going in the first place.

Magus Last Emperor Kim Jong Ill is the vicar and after greeting the worshipping by telling them to,'get lost,' led the opening hymn entitled, 'No Motherland Without You,' penned by Magus Kim in 1952 as a kiss-ass paean to his late father, Kim Snr,in an effort to avoid being shot by his dad.The lyrics have been reproduced below:

'You pushed away the severe storm
You made us believe, Comrade Kim Jong-il
We cannot live without you
Our country cannot exist without you!

Our future and hope depend on you
People's fate depends on you, Comrade Kim Jong-il!
We cannot live without you
Our country cannot exist without you!

Even if the world changes hundreds of times
People believe in you, Comrade Kim Jong-il
We cannot live without you
Our country cannot exist without you!

Oh... Our Comrade Kim Jong-il
Our country cannot exist without you!'

You could not make that tosh up.Rabbits are very good singers and most of them became absolutely delirious during the song which went on for ten minutes-all very Pentecostal thus far. Kim Young One led the prayers by saying,' When Emperor Kim cries, it rains, when He smiles, the sun shines, when He walks, the earth sighs.' And the rabbits all intoned,'Amen Kim son of Sam, Amen Kim son of Sam.'

The High Priestess, Kim Karaoke, then sang, 'Death to America.' After this the rabbits all cried out, 'We don't want to be eaten, we don't want to made into gloves! We don't want to be made into coats, we don't want to be made into pies! Death to America!' This was rather annoying because I was going to ask the chinchillas about being made into coats and hats and it seemed that Kim Karaoke had shot my fox.

Magus Kim then launched into his sermon:

'... within an established totalitarian regime the purpose of propaganda is not to persuade, much less to inform, but to humiliate. From this point of view, propaganda should not approximate to the truth as closely as possible: on the contrary it should do as much violence to it as possible. They love me, yeah, yeah…!'

All very Alistair Campbell and the hackers at News of the World,and the rabbits responded by saying, 'Praise be to Kim son of Sam.' Magus Kim continued:

'For by endlessly asserting what is patently untrue, by making such untruth ubiquitous and unavoidable, and finally by insisting that everyone publicly acquiesce in it, the Tory-Liberal coalition can continue indefinitely.You are our children, we want to rob you,'

-and the rabbits replied by saying they lacked self-respect and wanted to be robbed and lied to.

The highpoint of the satanic service is when Lucifer sultanas is summoned with the words from the 18th Pinnochian,

'O thou mighty light and doused flame of comfort!, that unveilest the masturbatory glory of Satan to the center of the Earth; in whom the open secrets of truth have their bratwurst;. Move therefore, and appear! Open the monstrosities of creation! Be unfriendly unto me, for I am insane!, the true worshipper of the tripe and offal who is incarnated as the Last Emperor of North Korea

-and I suddenly felt as if I was being transported into one of the final scenes of Raiders of the Lost Ark.I closed my eyes just in case and found a rabbit paw to hold. As is apparently usual, the evil one did not appear which I did not understand since I would appear just to shut the worshippers up if they sang anything like this to me:

'Do you really want to hurt me?
Do you really want to make me cry?

It was just so Culture Club.Problems began after the service when Magus Emperor Kim spotted a destitute Larry Chukwuemeka stealing some biscuits in the coffee lounge. They had a big argument about the missing trillions and even though Larry tried to explain that he had given the money to Reverend Odontu and his hooker assistant Nancy Paulson, Kim just would not believe him and had another one of his daily epileptic fits.

Meanwhile in another part of the room I was asking a chinchilla, who I though would look good on me, whether he was looking forward to be made into a hat-yet he would not believe me. Then Larry Chukwuemeka cried out to Magus Kim, 'If we can sin as much as we like, do you mind if I shoot you?' And with that Larry shot the Kim in the head.

All hell broke loose-it was the church of satan-and fifty rabbits tried to attack Larry who defended himself by shining lights in their eyes. But these rabbits had evolved from road kill and just smiled at him. Larry then took out his AK47 and sprayed bullets into the crowd.

With Larry presumably killed and Magus Kim injured with a minor flesh wound, the rabbits were ecstatic with joy and shouted:

'We can do what we want
We are our own gods
We no longer need Kim
Death to Kim!
Hail non-lucifer kim
Say Hello, Wave Goodbye Sultana Kim
We'll never see you again
And no one's gonna cry for you.'

A spokesmen for the BBC was unavailable for comment but it seems likely that Songs of Praise will never be invited back any time soon.

See also Me Love You Thong Time and Alex99's First Fan Mail for details regarding Nancy Paulson and Reverend Odontu. For Larry Chukwuemeka and the missing trillions seeKim Jong Ill Mastermind of Global Financial Crisis.

So far, 99 people have read this story. The Spoof! will give out a used condom to the 100th reader. Please contact Mark Lowton for details.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more