President of Iran Says He Believes In Peace

Written by Neil Levine

Thursday, 11 August 2005

image for President of Iran Says He Believes In Peace
It Wasn't Me! I Didn't Make The Yellowcake! I Didn't Shoot The Dissident!

Teheran, Iran and somewhere in the Caribbean---In a determined and self-serving effort to deflect foreign criticism of his political maneuvers, manipulations and other devious ploys, the newly minted President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has dusted off some old political tricks by announcing to the world, "I am not a crook!"

Just weeks after his surprising electoral triumph where votes were traded for promises of hot bowls and cups overflowing with fresh poured water from the polluted local water wells, Mahmoud dusted off some of Richard Nixon's old bag of tricks and proclaimed, "I am not a rich man. If I were a rich man, I would diddle diddle dawdle all the day."

He then went on to detail his laundry list of supposed facts and figures. "No one is on my payroll. I cannot afford to pay the local dogcatcher to take strays off my hands."

(In the background, Shaggy is singing, "It wasn't me.")

President Ahmadinejad pretends to lip sync, gets annoyed. Shouts, "It wasn't me!"

This editorial writer wants to point out that the thinking is that what worked for Nixon, who merely cheated, schemed and lied his way to the Top of the World but was able to sustain his fraud and deceit for more than twenty years by the devoted and selective use of patronage and other political tricks, should work for a shifty Iranian master plotter. If you compare American deviousness and fraud with Iranian skullduggery, Nixon looks like an amateur.

President-to be Mahmoud A. proceeds to accuse George W. Bush of using excessive force, brute strength and unfair military tactics in his efforts to make the world safe for democracy and a cheerier place to quietly sip Nestea.

The Iranian leader further states, "All we have is civil resistence and rude disobedience and the most annoying criminal element to fight back with. You can apply economic sanctions and make us suffer. It is not fair."

"I say lay down your arms and we will talk about what a beautiful day it is.":

"I am demanding that the Americans play nice. I need and demand peace and quiet. No more loud pronouncements. No More Demands For Noncriminal Acts of Cooperation. I am an Iranian zealot and will do what I damned well please."

A loud explosion can be heard in the background. The earth shakes. "Cut that out," he shouts. "Can ‘t you see I'm being interviewed! Fools."

"No more teachers. No more books. No more teacher's dirty looks and No More Dirty Tricks!"

(The background music shifts to Cher's "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves.")

President Ahmadinejad concludes, "Iranian women can wear plain cloth coats. I am willing to debate anyone in the safe haven of a disarmed Iranian kitchen. I have nothing to hide. Remember I am not a crook and poverty is its own reward. I have spoken."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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