Lawyers for the International Brotherhood of Hamsters announced yesterday that the entire population of pet Hamsters will go on a full activity strike, unless reports of Felching around the globe cease.
Terry Beaverton, lawyer and translator for the IBH, says that the world's Hamsters had tolerated the frequent neglect and expectations for cartoonish activity from their respective owners. But, ultimately it was the forced refrigerator hibernation and insertion into the human anal canal that went over, "like a fart in church", says Beaverton. "They started to unify their plan of conscientious objection through high pitched squeaks that traverse walls and across miles, and ultimately led to this strike".
Beaverton, who started out as a linguist in college and who published his thesis on the ability to interpret the Hamster language, is now a legal advocate for the furry little tunnel crawlers. "You can force them to perform for their supper, make them crawl through tubes and run on the Hamster wheel. You can trap them in a plastic ball while the cat bats it around the living room rug, but you have to stop shoving these wonderful little creatures up your ass", says Beaverton.
The strike went into immediate effect today with global reports of Hamsters simply curled up in a corner of their respective cages, refusing to do anything but eat, sleep and drop a few pellets of joy on the master's hand if an attempt is made to pick them up. "Even the stars of the Kia car commercials have honored the strike, refusing to show up on set", says Beaverton. One enormous Hamster Rapper, known only as "Hamster B" commented, "Now you can deal with this, or you can deal with that. Bitches".
No word yet on whether the relatively few abusers of "Hamster Nation", as the west coast U.S. Hamsters informally called their union brothers, had been spared from this forced anal activity. "But they are prepared to fight back", says Beaverton. "IBH Union members have been instructed to chew their way out if felched again. It won't be pretty".
One hospital in New York near Haight-Ashbury reports at least one incident of retribution, with an emergency room patient now currently the proud owner of two exit holes between his cheeks. There were too many reports to tally from San Francisco.