Born to Spoof: Chapter 6 - New Olde World

Funny story written by Jean Le Fete

Friday, 19 November 2010

image for Born to Spoof: Chapter 6 - New Olde World
Friends or Foes?

Looking out the cell window Masterchev watched in amazement. #4 she'd hit the ground so lightly from her horse, it was as if the gravity didn't affect her the way it did the rest of us mortals. "Hmmmm," thought Masterchev, "mortals...portals,...gerbils?" There was something stirring in his mind, he felt different somehow, more powerful, yet he couldn't put his finger on it as he watched #4.

She was wearing a long pink gown and a hat with taffetta hanging down covering her face and red hair. She raised a silver whistle to her lips and blew, but no sound came to human ears. then there was a low unearthly sound of creatures squeaking, yet not visible, the ground shook steadily.

He rubbed the back of his head where 3.5 had delivered a blow to gain his cooperation. He was in a cell somewhere, sharing with cockroaches and rats. The floor was stained with human blood and the smell was a stench so thick he could barely breath. Across the cell was a pile of straw, it moved.

Masterchev froze, lest the thing under the straw be a gerbil.

"That bastard JO, cavorting with maiden's while were stuck...Oh hello," said Jean Le Fete,as he emerged from the straw.

Something twisted in the back of Masterchev's brain as if trying to get out, but now it was fading. He'd seen this man before, but "before" was becoming a forgotten topic for him, fading quickly into the dusk. A chill blew through the window and when he looked up she was at the window glaring at them.


"How long can we get away with this?" asked Skoob, talking to his hat again. He paused, listening to a reply in his ear.

"I'm ready myself, just as soon as you give the word, we've gotten them all except for MW and he won't budge from the bloody basement! Charpa was tougher than expected, who knew she could do the splits like that? I told you that girl can't be underestimated. Shhhhh, someone's coming."

A clicking sound came closer and closer to the bar, but only his boots appeared in the light from the shadow of the terrarium. "These salamanders are all dead Skoob, aren't they in your job description?" asked Mark, stepping into the light.

He was wearing a black top hat, tux and tails. Judging from his breath, which Skoob wouldn't light a match near, he'd been at the port pretty hard. "How's business cap'n?" asked Skoob nonchalantly.

"Bloody awful," spat Mark, but don't act like you didn't know," he continued, "I'm on to you Skoob, like a buzzard on stink."

"Been watching the westerns again have we boss?" asked Skoob.

"Oh you think I'm just being funny does you Skoob? I know what you did with Charp yesterday," he said in a tone that had Skoob worried for a moment.

"Charpa hasn't been in guv, are you sure it was her ye saw?"
asked Skoob.

"Oh I know her you little runt and I know you all are plotting revenge, but I'm telling you I have you all by the go-nads...not in a gay way mind you, but in a...#4 way."

"That's nice cap'n, have a pint? Or did you just come in to spit on me?"

"Am I spitting?"

"Just a tad Cap'n, looksy, I think you really need to get some rest, you've been up too long guv, if you don't mind my saying so. You've been using those Tasmanian synthetics again haven't you?" Skoob said suddenly glancing behind Mark, he winced and looked away.

"I haven't the slightest idea what your..." and he didn't get out the next word as Monkey Woods delivered a blow with a cricket bat to the back of Mark's head.

"Bloody insect," said Monkey, "Give me a pint Skoob."

"About time you came out of the basement," said Skoob, "Any idea what's been happening these past few weeks?"

"Why the hell should I care," said Monkey, "I've got a tuk-tuk waiting for me outside to take me to Bangkok.

"Oh really?" said Skoob sliding the pint to him, "Here in Wales? A tuk-tuk? Little three wheel Thai taxi gonna take you to Bangkok?"

Monkey grabbed Skoobs collar with both hands and pulled him over the bar, spilling his pint on Mark, who lay motionless on the floor.

"Look you little runt!!"

"I wish people would quit calling me that," declared Skoob,"I'm all of 5 foot 4 inches!"

"Shut-up! I'm on to you lot, I know you know a way out and your going get me there."

"Well blimey Mr. Woods, all you had to do was ask, don't need all of this violence and drama. Follow me."......


Number 4, or as she preferred #4 was glaring directly at Jean Le Fete through the small cell window, who was looking at her quite bitterly in return.

"Long time now see bitch," said Jean.

"Not long enough obviously," replied #4 smirking.

"What have you done with #3?" he asked.

"We subtracted she's a zero." said #4, "You both will be terminated in the morning, then you'll be a lot closer to her." She cackled her laugh, spinning as she walked away twirling her pink gown.

Masterchev fought the clouds in his memory and found Jean le Fete, albeit briefly, "Jean, I'm sorry for your loss."

"Never mind mate," replied Jean, "she's better off now than with that bastard Lowton."

"Lowton... Lowton," said Masterchev slowly to himself, "She called me Lowton this afternoon when they killed Olivia."

"What?" asked Jean.

"She said, a silly disguise to protect you. Oh Lowton you are one slippery customer...what the bloody hell did the stupid clone mean?"

All the time the earth had been shaking, so steadily they had forgotten about it, that is until it stopped. Both men went to the window. The street, for as far as they could see East or West was brown fur and green blazing eyes...Gerbils. #4 stood on top of a barrel yelling directions for them to take for sleeping and eating. Night was falling though and with it the cell was growing darker, then someone blocked the window with a board and it was pitch black.

"May as well get some sleep," said Masterchev.

"Yes quite," said Jean.

"Sleep is for ninnies," said an eery, but recognizable voice.

"Carina?" asked Jean

"No, its the Post man!" she hissed in a whisper, "What the hell do I bother with you for! Did you really think I was dead?"

"Well...yes, that's what everybody kept telling me."

"Can you believe anything these bastards say? They f-ing Spoof for a living!! Oye!!! Unfortunately I am a bit tied up at the moment or I'd kick you a few times!!"

"There's two people in love," said Masterchev....

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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