Rome - (Holy Shit!): The final coats of whitewash will ensure a permanent glossy varnish on Karol Wojtyla's undeniably hideous, sordid life.
This has included the mysterious death of his predecessor Pope John Paul 1 - whose 30 day reign was reportedly cut short by a dose of Vatican arsenic.
Fortunately, a quicky 'natural causes' death certificate made sure no post mortem was needed - nor any pesky FBI probes into the Bush family's homeopathetic remedies.
A few years later the collapse of the Vatican Bank and 'suicide' of 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi ranked as another career best for old JP2.
Previous accomplishments saw the young seminarian inseminate myriad minors who produced, among others, Polish trade unionist and religion nut Lech Walesa, Russian Prime Monster Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin and Poland's tragic Kaczynski twins.
Woltyla was lucky to have the patronage of successive American pervert Presidents Ronald Reagan, Bush 1 and 2 and KGB douchebag Bill Clinton.
During the 1980s Margaret Thatcher's Prime Monstership helped MI6 and its foreign counterparts conceal a massive child sex scandal in the UK involving the then Bishop of Krakow, George Bush Junior and various international public figures.
Fortunately these have now been thoroughly airbrushed from the archives, ensuring a smooth ride into sainthood under the sponsorship of 'God's Rottweiler' Pope Joe Ratzinger.
Roberto Calvi's murder remains 'unsolved'.
