Reverend Sun Myung Moon Plans Mass Divorce on 1-1-11

Written by Charpa93

Saturday, 25 December 2010

image for Reverend Sun Myung Moon Plans Mass Divorce on 1-1-11
Waiting in Line for Walking Papers (Divorce)

Reverend Sun Myung Moon, leader of the Unification Church, is possibly best known for the "mass blessings" or mass weddings he occasionally officiates over wherein thousands of couples (some of whom have just met prior to the ceremony) join together in holy matrimony.

Of late, however, many of Moon's followers have come to him asking to be released from the marriages. While Moon has always maintained that once you are married, you're stuck for life, his opinion has been swayed most recently when the largest number of members he'd ever encountered threatened to leave the fold If they were not given permission to divorce. Many of them just recently found out that Moon had at least one divorce under his belt.

It is for this reason that Moon has decided to hold a first ever mass divorce ceremony wherein thousands of his followers can officially get un-hitched. He chose the date January 1, 2011, (1-1-11) as a symbolic day to conduct the mass divorce believing the words of the great Three Dog Night, "One is the Loneliest Number."

World Peace is the main focus of the Unification Church. Marital discord among Moon's followers is threatening to blow the lid off his peace movement. Moon is therefore finding it necessary to let the people split and get on with their lives as single followers.

"We tried everything," he said. "We tried allowing them to separate for awhile, but that led to infidelity. We tried plying them with bribes such as not having to work as hard as the other members, extra chocolates during the holy days, etc. but they simply were not happy." Moon says the whole thing ended up giving him one gigantic mass headache and it is then that he decided that divorce was the only way. Moon claims that just as his marriages are only sanctioned by the Unification Church, only the Unification Church can sanction the mass divorces.

The proceedings will be held in New York City on 1-1-11 at 11 a.m. Anyone wishing to divorce their spouse at that time may attend, but must first seek approval from Rev. Moon.

Hot dogs and Coke will be served following the ceremony.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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