Iranian President Mahmoud Amadinejad is reportedly suffering from a severe case of writer's block. Sources close to Amadinejad say that he's been unable to formulate baseless arguments against, pen damaging mischaracterizations about or assail the religious beliefs of any of his enemies, real or perceived.
"It's really bad," reported a custodian for the State Ministry of Outrageous Declarations. "I read Amadinejad's trash every night. There's page after page with one incomplete sentence. He obviously has no focus. He has also been trying to do the old "cut-and-paste-and-revise" technique with some of his old stiff, but it just lacks the punch of his earlier work."
When Amadinejad spoke at the United Nations earlier this year and while his speech, whjle painfully long and universally offensive, wasn't able to meet, let alone beat, his record for disgusted walk-outs.
"He really wanted to clear the room, that was his goal," said Scott Thrust, a personal trainer who visited Teheran in early September to help Amadinejad prepare for his New York speech. "We were working on the focus, and accentuating the hatred and we had T-shirts printed. He really tried, but he just couldn't reach inside and find that new level of low."
This is not the first time Amadinejad has had to deal with writer's block. Over the years, he has found that an effective treatment is to have the Revolutionary Guard brutally beat street protesters. Unfortunately, the streets of Teheran have been quiet since the last brutal beating. Are Teheran's quiet streets a testament to the sadistic efficiency of the Revolutionary Guard? Perhaps not. Sparemi Mah-head, a leader of the opposition says that Iranian protesters are now seasoned and more selective.
"Only a year ago, all Amadinejad had to do was issue a statement, any statement, and we were out in the streets getting our heads beaten. What worked then, doesn't work now. Besides, Amadinejad's writing has lost its enthusiasm. It's like he has no focus. If he's going to phone it in, were staying home."
With beating opportunities in short supply, observers say Amadinejad will most likely kick start his creative juices by employing one of two options he has used in the past. The first option, dubbed "Women Bad" involves trumping-up adultery charges against a woman then petitioning for her to be sentenced to Death by Stoning. The second option, and one Amadinejad hasn't used recently, is called "Who's got the Bomb" where Iran purposefully plants confusing evidence throughout their nuclear facilities, then invites the UN inspectors to come have a look around.
"Women Bad" is definitely Amadinejad's favorite "cheer-me-up" tactic, but it has a draw back. "I think he would use "Women Bad" more if the Pope would stay out of it," explained Middle East expert Hugot MacRude. "Every time Iran wants to stone a woman to death, the Vatican gets involved. I don't know what it is, but for some reason, the Pope really gives Amadinejad "The Willies". So, I would think it will be the bomb game this time. It's fun for him and it only involves the United Nations. They may threaten more sanctions but he knows the worst he'll get is a resolution."
In a country where racquet sports are an infrequent pastime, the ball is clearly in Amadinejad's court. How he plays it will have a major impact on the future of Amadinejad, and of Iran.