Written by Noddy Bigears

Wednesday, 20 April 2005

Around the world, a billion Catholics were wondering where their new Pope would take them and it did not take long for a Pope with uncompromising views to strike out. The Japanese Emperor has been ordered to commit Hari Kari as an appeasement to the Chinese for War Crimes.

China is the single largest potential market for the Roman Catholic faith but nevertheless, the dramatic order from the new Pope, ‘God's Rottweiler' came as a surprise to many Japanese including Prime Minister, Junichiro Koizumi who confessed to Tokyo's Asahi Shimbun Daily, "I did not even know that the Emperor was Roman Catholic let alone that he was the result of illegitimate multi-cultural relations during the war." The decision has been confirmed by secret ballet by the Cardinals Council and the black smoke pouring out of the chimney of the Sistine Chapel means that the sacrifice must take place within 3 days.

Chinese President Hu Jintao has been quoted as saying "we can put aside the official positions of the governments for a moment so that we can celebrate this unique offering but it is unlikely that the Chinese population will accept only one single act of apology" but then added "anybody who has actually seen the Japanese Games shows involving infecting contestants with bubonic plague, typhoid, anthrax and cholera is unlikely to be able to think of any suitable punishment for their war criminals".

The Tokyo High Court has rejected Chinese claims against the Japanese Government yesterday that there is no suitable punishment for Japanese War criminals and confirmed publically, "anybody who has had to endure one of our Karaoke drinking sessions must realize that we have been systematically punishing ourselves for years as penance".

However, other Vatican insiders have voiced concerns that the new Pope Benedict XVI may be politically manipulating the current instability and there is a much more Machiavellian devious goal, that is the Japanese Emperor is descended directly from God and as such is a direct competitor to ‘God's Rottweiler', the new Pope. Without doubt, the exclusion of the Japanese Emperor from the secret conclave may have been an indicator of black things to come for the true descendent and designated leader of the Roman Catholic Faith.

The Vatican Cardinals will witness the sacrifice the day after tomorrow and after the subsequent cremation, the Emperors' ashes will be thrown into the East China Sea.

Strangely, as a young priest Pope Benedict was regarded as progressive but now 78 and suffering from insane righteousness he has said that anyone who supports the ‘grave sins' of creating multi-cultural understanding and promoting Papal euthanasia should be denied Communion and commit Hari Kari.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Pope, Strike

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