Written by Noddy Bigears

Monday, 18 April 2005

image for Hard Line Vatican Cardinals Start Nuclear Holy War against Others, N.Korea is Hit by First Strike
Hard Line Cardinals Strike Back!

In an unprecedented first strike against other worldwide religions, the Vatican has started the launch of 115 Cardinals against the enemy faiths and doctrines. Obviously, the lack of leadership at the Vatican has caused a catastrophic breakdown in discipline with the first pre-emptive strike being believed to be heading towards North Korea.

Elizabeth Batha, International Advocate for the charity Christian Solidarity Worldwide said of North Korea "The churches in the capital were created for foreigners, and in no way indicate any degree of religious freedom for the North Korea population" and added "Those caught following a specific religious belief namely the Roman Catholic Church, are subjected to severe punishments, including horrific torture, confinement in brutal prison camps and execution."

North Korean citizens are taught from birth to show only religious devotion to the country's ruling dynasty and there is zero tolerance for the Roman Catholic Church. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, 78 megatons, Dean of the College of Cardinals and the late Pope's ideological enforcer was launched this morning following the morning mass.

Strangely, yesterday Vatican insiders said speculation was pointless about which Cardinal would be set off first. Everybody thought that the big agenda for discussions was: who would be best equipped to deal with the issues facing the Church - Islamic fundamentalism, bioethical dilemmas such as cloning Priests, third world poverty, condoms and sexuality, moral terrorism, the need for gay democracy in the Church and Western secularism?

Now it is feared that the Cardinals will be launched one after the other in order to maintain the surprise attacks against other World religions and faiths. It is expected the next favorite in line to be launched will be Cardinal Francis Arinze, 72 megatons, who was the leading contender to be a black pope, and the probable destination Turkey thus avoiding any possible future chance of the predominantly Muslim country joining the European Union.

Cardinal Angelo Scola, 63 megatons, the Patriarch of Venice, had insisted that "decimation of the Muslim faith must and will take place in Europe first" but it appears that Cardinal Scola has been over-ruled probably due to his heavy personnel investment in a biological Priest cloning company called Oasis and that Turkey will receive the next pre-emptive strike.

Arcbishop of Vienna, Cardinal Christoph Schönborn, 60 megatons, is 16-1 favorite to be launched against a Middle Eastern country and has observed in the past "for a true end to the endless dialogue with Islamic Muslims one must destroy their innermost sanctuary and competing alternative faith".

If the Vatican major targets are Islam and creating poverty whilst promoting the Christian West the conclave could next launch a cardinal from Asia maybe the Archbishop of Bombay, Cardinal Ivan Dias, 69 megatons, or the Archbishop of Jakarta, Julius Darmaatmadja, 70 megatons.

Pope Jean Paul II is believed to be currently rotating in his grave as 27 years of open dialogue is lost in the frenzy of mass destruction.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Vatican, Strike

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