Written by Dogooder Dave

Thursday, 14 April 2005

image for Michael Jackson Stripped of Papacy
If the cap don't fit ......

The shortest Papacy in history reached it's sorry, some would say inevitable, conclusion at noon today with the announcement that newly installed Pontiff, Pope Ringo I had been caught in flagrante with his trousers down, if not off, so to speak.

Pope Ringo, famed for his crutch grabbing gestures and shiny soled shoes, had been ordained for only two days when all crumbled about him.

Matters had taken a turn for the worse when Cardinals doing their weekly dance practice found that Randy Ringo was doing just a tad more jiggy than would be right for a Groom of Christ.

Pope Ringo, dressed in a somewhat body hugging set of Papal Robes was noted as having a degree more movement of the thorasic area than the late, and well and truly, home to roost, pigeon fetishist, Pope John Paul II, had been known for.

Glances were fleeted across the dance floor and as a little huddle of Cardinals bopped round their Mitres a hubbub of careful whispers, and a plan was hatched.

Cardinal Mugabe edged across the dance floor, hands characteristically thrust forwards and mid moonwalk accidentally, deliberately lost his footing coming to rest, hands clasped on Pope Ringos' somewhat voluminous chest "God I feel a right tit !!!" he exclaimed as The Holy Mother threw himself to the ground weeping and wailing, complaining of slight back pain.

As Pope Ringo writhed on the floor a dawning realisation crept over the faces of the, by now, devastated dancers. Visions of sickly choir boys flashing past their eyes and the drudgery of a Conclave looming before them. The Prince of Pop was in fact a Princess, albeit a rather well endowed one - their new Pope in reality, a Popette.

With great haste, theologians from far and wide were summoned . Heavy tomes consulted and the veracity of the femininity claims of the 9th Century bearded Pope Joan, debated at great length. As the smoke filled room began to water the eyes of the assembled broken hearted Cardinals defeat was admitted in the gaping jaws of victory - the Red Robed Grooms of Christs' loss to be the Red Topped tabloid presses' gain.

Cardinal Rizzla, with a tear in his eye and a large cannabis reefer in hand stumbled out onto the famed balcony overlooking hordes of pilgrims gathered in St Peters' Square for Pope Ringos' first blessing.

A licking of lips and a few deep breaths, eyes to heaven and the words were said -

"Brothers and sisters it is with a heavy heart that I have to announce that Pope Ringo I has decided to stand down and is retiring to spend more time with someone elses family."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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