Michael Jackson To Be Next Pope

Funny story written by Dogooder Dave

Monday, 11 April 2005

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Beleagured Michael Jackson is said to be delighted at his nomination to take over the reigns from well known pigeon fancier Pope John Paul II, deceased.
The surprise move follows Jacksons' recent expression of humility having been seen shuffling around in pyjamas and slippers. Insiders deny that the fact of Jackson being the secret love child of The Late Pope and Mother Theresa has influenced this move in any way.
Rumours of such a move had been circulating following the Cardinals Disco Dancing Championships held in the Berlin nightspot, Boy Zone on Easter weekend. Religious commentators from around the world attending this years 10th Anniversary Championships had noted that all but one of the participating Disco Divas had chosen funky dance music by Jackson for their freestyle performances. Only Cardinal Mugabe of Zimbabwe had opted for music by the more traditional fave beatmeister, Shakin' Stevens (96) and attained an impressive third place dancing to Shakeys' big hit Marie Marie.
Wally Wiggins (14) of the Vaticans' disco dance monthly rag, Marys' Mamba, found his initial reports of Jacksons' likelihood to succeed the ailing Pope censored and believes Vatican insiders plotting to install Shakey as Pope were behind his thwarting.
Wiggins journalistic credibility was saved as he was contributing to a Japanese TV company Vox Pop late night Thursday last.
Queues wending their way round St Peters Square for one last midnight glimpse of the decomposing Pope were spotted moving in mysterious ways and the strains of Thriller could be heard wafting out of the Popes' favourite pigeon releasing window. The interview was being conducted on a Cherry Picker platform and as Japanese technicians set about raising Mr Wiggins and the interviewer to window height, cameras were quickly adjusted to catch a conclave of Cardinals doing a moonwalk round the Popes' private appartments.
Mr Wiggins told us "It just wouldn't have been right to interfere with Jacksons' April 8th court appearance by releasing the news on Friday morning" but was relieved late last night to be able to break his silence to the worlds' watching media. Wiggins scoop was confirmed by Cardinal Travolta of Sicily who is quoted as saying "De boy dun d'good, he be hokay, weha si heema holaraita".
Jacksons' Papacy is being viewed as a saviour to the Catholic Church as he is reputed to be a magic draw for young men wishing to enter the Priesthood. The steady decline of youths wishing to enroll at Semenaries around the world was causing concern with several Cardinals having to act singlehandedly. A spurt of youthful new recruits will mean that Cardinals will have more time to concentrate on the job in hand safe in the knowledge that a growth in membership is inevitable once Jackson gets his slippers under the table.
The Conclave due to start on April 18th is now being seen as a formality with Rome shoe retailers having been spotted delivering several pairs of shiny black patent leather pumps to the back door of The Basilica. White satin suits, armbands and a large mirror ball, together with a state of the art lighting rig were already delivered late last night and Cardinals are privately speaking of their time in purdah being more like a party than an onerous responsiblity.
Mr Jackson is rumoured to have celebrated the news by visiting a cemetery close to his Neverland Ranch under cover of darkness to dance on some graves. It is not yet known what title Jackson will assume but strongly favoured by bookmakers are Pope Ringo and Pope William Fitspatrick - Patrick Fitswilliam I.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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