War with Finland

Funny story written by Peter Barlow

Sunday, 18 December 2005

image for War with Finland
I could use a vacation.

In the wake of the mounting debt due to the war in Iraq and national security, President Bush has decided to declare war on Finland. So far as we know, Finland is not presenting any type of threat to the United States and is not harboring any terrorists or fugitives of any kind.

Dick Cheney filled in for Bush at a recent press conference, explaining that there was a breach in security and several pretzels were smuggled onto the premises. Cheney has explained that after World War II Finland was the only country to repay the United States the war reparations it requested, around 300 million. The plan is to attack and demand reparations from Finland, which they will hand right over, and thus boost the economy with more cash flow. Many WWII veterans began calling Finland "pushovers" after they paid their original reparations, and many more have spoken out recently supporting the war. The attack is scheduled to be carried out in less than a month.

The government does not seem to be understanding the point of reparations, which are to ease the cost of damaged buildings or lost lives. Finland has already announced that it will not counter attack. The President is neglecting this information, and cannot be reached for further comment. A representative has told the press that "George was extraordinarily depressed due to the loss of the Pope and decided to take a vacation to escape his work duties."

Bush does not plan to use any more troops for this expedition. He intends to take the remaining troops in Iraq and have them march through Turkey, Iran, and Russia to get to Finland. "It'll do 'em some good to get the exercise." He also does not intend to supply them with any more food or ammunition, citing that it would only further our debt.

Only time will tell if any other countries are going to get involved. Many experts are predicting that if the wrong people are killed, it could result in World War Three. Since the President is vacationing in a remote location and has left the instructions to "go after Finland no matter what" there is no telling what could come of this.

Bush is hoping that there will be little to no resistance from Finland. Once defeated, the President intends on asking for war reparations of the exact amount of our national debt plus an extra 200, because "he's going on a golf trip soon."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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