Look For Love...In All The Wrong Places

Funny story written by JQuinn

Wednesday, 23 November 2005


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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I am a US soldier currently serving in Baghdad, Iraq. The majority of the buildings here lack a functioning restroom. There are trailers that serve as restroom/shower facilites scattered randomly about the Camp I am stationed at, however everywhere you look there is a Port-a-Potty. So today while visiting my husband at a nearby camp, I was forced to use a Port-a-Potty. Some call them Port-a-Pottys, some call them Port-a-Johns, me - I call them abominable. What is it about the Port-a-potty that makes you want to go take a bath in pure bleach right after using it, even though you know you didn't touch one single piece of blue or grey plastic with ANY part of your body?
Well the experience, needless to say was revolting, but it was either use the port-a-potty or wet my pants, and I am a bit old to be doing that, plus it was kind of cold outside. Well while I am doing my balancing-straddle-try-not-to-fall-or-let-any-part-of-my-body-touch-while-still-trying-to-make-sure-I-don't-pee-all-over-myself stance I look up at the door only to read the following words:
"Ladies - Look me up: blackhawk_superman@yahoo.com."
The first thing I am thinking is surely this is a joke...has to be. But then as my mind started to ponder the possibilities as it usually does (and by this time I am out of the port-a-potty while stringently disinfecting my hands, arms and any other bare skin I can see) I started thinking how funny it would be to email this guy and ask him what he was thinking when he wrote that...if he was serious, if he really expected something out of it or what. Who knows? The email address could have been that of a friend of his that he were trying to get back at for some prank they might have pulled...you never know. Either way, what if say he was serious and what if someone else took him serious? There are, after all some VERY lonely people out there.
Can you imagine these people conversing over email, chat, eventually meeting, dating and marrying one day? They'd be at their wedding reception when old aunt Doris whose never been on the internet or even knows what a computer is for that matter asks the happy couple how they met...wouldn't that be and awkward story to tell?
"Well there I was in Iraq using the Port-a-potty and there was his email etched on the door...so I replied and everything from there is history"
Yeah I know what you are thinking, but in today's world, would it really surprise you? So then this got me thinking a little more...everyone has used their share of port-a-pottys or even public restrooms, right? Everyone has seen the
"Dan/Mike/Tom was here" written on the wall.
Yeah Dan, thanks for letting me know, because after all, I was wondering where you've been all this time, now I am one clue closer to where you are! I like it when someone writes right below Dan’s proclamation of where he has been,
"Dan/Mike/Tom is a jackass"
I'd like to Dan come back to see that! Also, I've noticed in a lot of public restrooms there is always a "Dan/Mike/Tom RULES!"
Well Dan, Mike and Tom, that’s awesome that you have such a high self esteem but let me let you in on a little secret...no one cares that you rule, no one cares where you are, where you've been, or where you are going...just to save you some time and embarrassment for when someone writes that you suck or calls you fill-in-blank-here vulgarity.

On another note, I've also seen some pretty intense artwork in public restrooms, and I am not talking about your average stick people, peace sign or smiley face...I am talking a detailed piece of work...unfortunately it is usually a penis or something of that nature. Who is drawing this? Who is in there for that long that they have the time and energy to draw such a meticulous piece of work that it could be used in some kind of human anatomy text book and why are you drawing it? Kind of makes you think huh? You all might think I am crazy now, but I guarantee next time you are a port-a-potty or public restroom and you see this graffiti on the walls you are going to remember this post and ponder who took the time to draw or write all this stuff, unless of course you are the artist himself.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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