August's Gentlemen's Quarterly coverguy and Women's 800 Meter record-holder Caster Semenya is so happy to be cleared to compete in Women's middle-distance, his pants are bulging.
Caster Semenya (South African for "Crotch-lumber"), the middle-distance runner and world champion who won gold in the women's 800 metres in 2009, and who spent the last 11 months addressing questions about his gender, was cleared by the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) to return to competition.
The controversy stemmed from Caster's record shattering performance at the 2009 World Championships in Athletics. Caster ran the 800 metres faster than any woman ever, also outrunning all male competitors, Thoroughbred horses, and the Bell X-1 Rocket Plane piloted by Chuck Yeager during his sound-barrier breaking 1947 flight.
" 'She' ran so damned fast," said IAAF officials, "If she was hit with 1.2 gigawatts of energy she would've gone back in time."
Other IAAF officials, who apologized for their colleague's "Back to the Future" reference, pointed out other irregularities.
"It wasn't just her musculature," they claimed. "It was a combination of her physique, her Jon Gnagy beard, the shorts she wore that said 'Home of the Whopper' on the front, and the fact that she got half of the team pregnant."
"We wanted to believe he was a girl. But . . . well, I'll just say it. Her junk is huge!"
The IAAF decided that chromosomal gender tests were in order after a visual examination proved "inconclusive".
Said the IAAF: "The doctors examined Ms. Semenya, and were not convinced she was a woman. They performed blood tests, did diagnostic x-rays, and were even provided with a sperm sample. These tests did not prove she was a woman."
Finally, however, the IAAF got their collective heads out of their asses, and recognized that their wish to conclude " whether Caster Semenya is either genetically homogametic or heterogametic, and whether she is a 'woman' as defined in our by-laws" is a ridiculous, narrow-minded, short-sighted goal, steeped in the nearly debunked notion that gender is exclusively an "xx" or "xy" affair, and recognized that a mere binary, "She's a she or he's a he" distinction is not nearly enough to distinguish that which we call "gender", and allowed Caster Semenya to compete in the sport that she rules the world in, using the gender with which she self-identifies.
"We are a-holes, we admit it," said the IAAF. "But some of those dick jokes were pretty funny."
