George W. Bush Nominates Paul Wolfowitz To Succeed Pope John Paul II

Funny story written by Chuck Terzella

Friday, 1 April 2005

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"Over My Dead Body...Uh, Wait A Minute..."

President George W. Bush has indicated that he will nominate former Assistant Secretary of Defense and current nominee to head the World Bank Paul Wolfowitz to succeed Pope John Paul II in the event that the ailing Pontiff succumbs to the various illnesses that have plagued him recently. Reports from the Vatican indicate that the Pope's health has taken a serious downturn and that his death may be imminent. The hope in the Administration is that if Mr. Wolfowitz can snag the Roman Catholic top spot, then the Republican Party can clinch the Presidential election in 2008 by issuing a Papal Decree directing Roman Catholics in the United States to vote for the Party's candidate or face excommunication and the fires of Hell.

That fact that Mr. Wolfowitz is a Fundamentalist Christian affiliated with the Presbyterian faith and believes that after the Rapture all Catholics will be banned for eternity from Heaven seems to be no hindrance in the eyes of the White House. The belief there is that once the Administration threatens to remove the Churches tax exempt status in the United States that any opposition in Vatican City will wither away.

As an added perk, President Bush reportedly plans to vacate with a Presidential Pardon all those Priests convicted of sexual abuse recently, thereby saving the Church in the United States a cathedral full of cash.

Pope John Paul II, when told of Mr. Wolfowitz's nomination to succeed him, reportedly waved his arms in frustration at not being able to speak, it can only be guessed at what he would've said, but by the creative use of hand gestures communicated his opposition to the future Pope Dubya I, as George Bush insists on his being called.

Roman Catholics in this country have been oddly passive about the potential that they may be led by a Republican Hawk who almost single handedly started the War in Iraq. One Catholic interviewed, Carlo Perrella, said as he was leaving the church of Our Lady of Perpetual Tithing, "Ah, I should care I guess, but I tell you now, once we got ourselves a Polish Pope everything went straight downhill. Now we got sexual abuse, bankrupt dioceses and the Mass in English. I guess a Presbyterian named Wolfowitz can't be any worse than what we already got."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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