Ozzy Osbourne to head United Nations

Funny story written by John Cavanagh

Monday, 21 February 2005

image for Ozzy Osbourne to head United Nations
The Great Unifier Cometh.

UNITED NATIONS (AP) - The United Nations' chief of staff Mark Malloch Brown announced that significant changes, both cultural and structural, would soon take place at the scandal-ridden United Nations. Brown said, "the endemic corruption recently uncovered within the 'oil for food program' was the last straw. The buck must stop at the top, and if that means the Secretary General, then so be it."

Brown went on to announce that former Black Sabbath singer, Ozzy Osbourne, would take on the role as Secretary General.

Ozzy Osbourne was confident about the new challenge.

"They told me this place was a freaking shambles, you know. But it wasn't 'til I actually got here that I realised how completely stuffed it was. People are walking around here with cash falling out of their pockets, literally - and that's the God's honest truth. I'd give my life to tell the outside world to wake up, man, 'Can't you see it. Can't you see what's going on around here? Wake up why don't you, open your eyes; you're all getting screwed. What's the matter with you people?'"

Current Secretary General Kofi Annan seemed guarded about the changes needed at the UN.

"We believe that the world needs a forum for collective decision-making together with a leader who is capable of bringing all nations together within that same spirit. We respect Ozzy Osbourne very much. He is an honest and gentle man, with a warm soul. But we are not necessarily of the opinion that this means he is the most suitable person to take on such an important and intricate role."

Geoffrey Robertson QC, a recent appointment to the Appeals Chamber of the UN special Court for Sierra Leone, was more dismissive of the proposed appointment.

"Imagine if you would, that you have a highly respected international body capable of pursuing all kinds of humanitarian rights, and other justices, for the greater benefit of a largely unfair, desolate and uncaring world; and you, for no good reason, decide to appoint some blathering, incoherent baboon to be its new leader. Do you keep funding such a body in the faint hope that it will somehow overcome this ape-like creature at the top? Or do you immediately dissolve such a body, and allow all disaffected nations to settle their differences through sporadic, and hastily arranged, bilateral or multilateral diplomatic missions? This, I guess, is the ultimate hypothetical.

Ozzy Osbourne's response was more candid. "That guy is a total asshole."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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