The Big Fat Greek Bailout

Funny story written by Mike Monpas

Monday, 17 May 2010

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Until a few weeks ago, most Americans were only dimly aware that Greece still existed anywhere other than that strange mythological place known as, "Ancient History." Today, as if by Zeus-like magical powers, Americans are now part owners in what some crazy right wing economists are describing as a socialist economic catastrophe of Iliad proportions. Thus far, the Obama Administration has only sunk a mere fifty billion into the Greek economy, an amount which is a mere pittance for a guy that is used to tossing greenbacks around by the trillions.

Concerned about the possibility that, "Money could be skimmed off the top, Chicago-Style," Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner has ordered that thousands of free automatic teller machines be placed throughout Greece. Through this medium, Geithner expects to be able to evenly distribute the free cash to those disenfranchised Greek citizens who are most in need of a bailout.

George Stephanopoulos, a famous American journalist of Greek descent, had a reserved yet hopeful reaction to the news. "This is a terrific Godsend for my ancestors, but I'm a little concerned about the issuance process of the free ATM cards, and the possibility of people passing out in long lines especially with the Summer months coming up. Overall, I would say this is a good deal. I'm proud to say that the USA is with Greece all the way. I've made phone calls to all my distant relatives and they are really excited about the project."

If the free automatic teller machine pilot program works well in Greece, Geithner plans to go global with a massive ATM airdrop program. The program will involve every heavy US Air Force transport jet available, and thousands of parachutes to be attached to thousands of airborne ATMs. Crack paratroopers being trained at this moment in Fort Benning, Georgia, USA, are preparing themselves for the technical work ahead of them.

Sergeant Zack Campbell, a member of the 82nd Airborne Division, and veteran of four tours of Iraq and Afghanistan is looking forward to the upcoming missions. "You know, this is a really cool idea. I'm tired of getting hit with small arms fire and IEDs every time my buddies and I roll out of the compound over there. I think with these free ATM machines, the local people will finally get some economic stability in their lives and maybe they'll stop shooting at us so much."

Another soldier, PFC Wintertime, took a break from reading a worn copy of Catch-22 to toss a slight bit of skepticism into the mix. "Yeah, we can drop in behind enemy lines and get these machines locked and loaded, but it won't do people any good in say a place like Afghanistan until there are enough Seven Elevens in the country for them to spend the cash at. I guess the cash might make good wallpaper though."

At any rate, Operation Big Fat Greek Bailout is a refreshing approach, a unique idea from a unique Administration that is definitely thinking, "outside of the box."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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