Pope institutes Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy

Written by C. Cranium

Saturday, 3 April 2010


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Pope issues decree.

The Vatican. Pope Benedict XVI granted an audience for the press core today to announce a phenomenal change in church policy.

There is reportedly over seven billion people in the world and one seventh of those are catholic. Just the catholic population of one billion plus represents successful physical encounters that should hypothetically be under church doctrine.

Vatican statisticians have calculated that less than one tenth of one percent of those unions were practiced under church guidelines.

"I therefore decree that, whatever their physical practices, church members are granted the privileges of Don't Ask Don't Tell. The Church will not ask you about your personal physical life, in or out of wedlock, as a practicing Catholic and you absolved of telling the church in confession or otherwise. The decree takes effect immediately. Thank you and God Bless."

The Pope left the press conference and Vatican officials remained to explain the details and answer questions.

Theological Scholars are perplexed by the move away from rigid doctrine but reputable Vatican sources stated the Pope is one pissed Pontiff and tired of seeing church membership plummet in relation to heathen religions. In a bold effort the Pontiff has granted a Cone of Silence for violators of the myriad of rules about sexual encounters, birth control, pre-marital sex, chastity, covet thy neighbors wife, and all that stuff. The Pope has calculated that giving leeway on some issues with Don't Ask Don't Tell will help with membership, take the public's mind off of abuse cases, and free him to fight all the other evil doings about the world.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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