Priceless Pollock Destroyed by Soccer Mom

Funny story written by Jerry Cornelium

Wednesday, 12 January 2005

image for Priceless Pollock Destroyed by Soccer Mom
Tragedy: a Pollock destroyed, a mom terrified, a preschooler unconsolable

PEQUOD, SD --- Last Thursday, working mom Nora Paskow taped what she believed on of her sons' art projects to the refrigerator. Now she and her family have gone into hiding, not knowing whether the ever growing mob of rage-filled art historians will find - and kill - her. Turns out, she didn't tape her four year-old Leo's art project to the fridge, but a rare sketch done by abstract expressionist artist Jackson Pollock (1912-1956), best known for his "splatter paintings."

Surrounded by her five children, Paskow cried unabashedly, as she spoke from an undisclosed location. Paskow said she had no idea her action would make so many people so unhappy.

"I just thought it was one of Leo's art projects," she said between sobs. "And it was so pretty, I taped it to the fridge. You know, he's such a good artist."

Jonathan Lowe, curator of the New York Met's abstract expressionist exhibit, is not satisfied. Paskow did not use special, acid free tape, just regular scotch tape, he said. In addition, there are chocolate milk stains on the 8 ½" by 11" Pollock.

"Add to that the chemicals used to clean the fridge - the Pollock will disintegrate in the next 150 to 200 years. It's a disaster for the art world," Lowe said. "What makes this particular piece so valuable is that it proves that Jackson Pollock actually carefully sketched out what his detractors so ignorantly call his ‘splatter paintings'. This woman has committed a sin so grave it can only be paid in blood."

Pollock, whose paintings have commanded prices upwards of a million dollars, is said to have created his artworks by splashing paint on canvas while drunk.

Twenty-seven year-old Nora Paskow recently lost her husband to leukemia and works three jobs to make ends meet. On weekends, she teaches Sunday school and helps to coach tykes league soccer.

Lowe is not impressed.

"That worthless banause must be killed, and her head ought to be displayed on a pike," he said. "The restless spirit of Jackson Pollock cries out for this!"

Renowned art critic Bob Hewes feels that Lowe's demands are a bit over the top.

"I don't think that, in a civilized society, we should cut off her head and affix it to a pike," he said. "However, what she did is inexcusable, and she must die. There is no doubt about that."

Four year-old Leo Paskow said he was very sorry and promised never to draw a picture again, as long as "the angry men don't kill Mommy!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more