To millions he was the rubber-necked, cuddly, alien youngster from a planet far, far away who was apparently abandoned on planet earth but was discovered and cared for by a young boy. However, a new book claims E.T. the Extra Terrestrial was a mature, highly intelligent, middle-aged being who never had any intention of returning to his spaceship when it left without him.
The author, Daig Cravid, a retired inter-galactic private detective from the planet Davinamccall, says he pursued E.T. for many years on his trips across the galaxy and witnessed a very similar incident to the events of the Steven Spielberg movie, in a parallel universe 300 billion light years away.
'I was hired by the leader of a race of jelly fish type aliens from an arse shaped planet on the outer reaches of the galaxy, who's 9 year old son was left severely traumatized after befriending E.T. and ended up strangling himself in his own tentacles.
'I tracked E.T. down on a plant called Aerth where he went through his usual routine of missing his ride home. He hid in the garage of a carefully selected one parent family where he knew he could take advantage of a troubled offspring. Then he took control of the mind of a 10 year old boy called Elloitt by making him lay a trail of Reece's Pieces so that he would be discovered and taken into care by the innocent youngster.'
'Once he had gained the trust of Elloit and his sister, Draw Barrymore he got down to his usual perverse antics of dressing up in dolls clothes and prodding the kids with his large red, throbbing finger.'
'Of course the children were none the wiser as they assumed E.T. was just a child like them, but in truth, that sleazy bug-eyed freak was a 37 year old midget and a serial sex offender.'
If the allegations are true about E.T. being 37 at the time of his encounters with Elliott and Elloitt, then this year he would be celebrating his 65th birthday and perhaps retiring from space travel. Daig Cravid thinks otherwise and believes the alien is still roaming the galaxy, terrorising young boys who eventually grew up to star in a series of B-movies.
'He's out there somewhere' warned Cravid. 'He may be 65 years old but the race of beings he comes from live until they're 700 years old. If Spielberg ever makes a sequel to E.T. then he should get Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sly Stallone to star in it so they nuke that little fuckers ass in an apocalyptic showdown at the end of the film.'
E.T. was last spotted 6 months ago hiding in a dustbin on a housing estate in Barnsley trying to phone home on a contraption he had made out of a Speak 'n' Spell and a Blackberry.
