Human Illegitimacy Now at 30% in UK But Ministers Propose "Competency' Exam for Potential Dog Owners!

Funny story written by Morse

Sunday, 28 February 2010


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Human Illegitimacy Now at 30% in UK But Ministers Propose "Competency' Exam for Potential Dog Owners!
No Test Necessary to Breed Like Wabbits, But You Must Pass Test to Own a Dog in UK!

Despite unwed mothers littering the landscape with bastards doomed to grow up without parental guidance and family discipline, UK ministers have decided to turn their attention to dog owners, proposing 'competency' exams similar to 'driving theory tests' in order to adopt man's best friend.

The proposal under consideration is the brain fart of the Department for Government, Farming, and Redneck Affairs, most likely the same folks who allow 'Travelers' to usurp individual landowner rights by refusing to deal with squatters on valuable farming land and reducing the production of beets and soybeans while contributing to alien Crop Circles where 25 RVs gather in a circle on someone's private property, and defy authorities to move them out.

The proposal, if adopted, will cost the average dog owner about $250 for the license, and then of course there will be the additional administrative cost to set up yet another government agency to give and monitor the exams. The whole process to gain competency is said to take about a year and to include pet awareness in housebreaking, discipline, proper feeding, neutering, socialization, and becoming familiar with the postman and dustbin collector.

Meanwhile, the UK is being burdened with 1 in 3 women giving birth without being married, over 540,000 immigrants a year showing up with their hands out, and rising crimes against defenseless children.

The government has said it would be against personal human rights, a stance reinforced by the European Court of Justice, to even ask basic questions about
the background and legitimacy of the ever spiraling claims for a 'free ride.'

On the other hand, a recent incidence of police action against a pet owner was revealed when dog lover Percey Golightly from Yeoville was confronted at the local park where he was photographing his pet Schnauzer in front of a lovely local pond backdrop.

The park security officer questioned Mr. Golightly on why he was photographing the dog, obviously a puppy, and accused him of Puppy Pornography with salacious intent. The flying squad was called when Mr. Golightly became agitated and refused to give up his camera so the officer could delete the pictures.

Mr. Golightly was detained, his dog "Goering" was turned over to Human Services and being readied for foster care, while officials determined Mr. Golightly's competency to even own a dog, let alone photograph him.

The investigating official said a search of Golightly's home turned up 'hundreds' of dog oriented magazines and periodicals, and that his computer was bookmarked with "thousands' of websites featuring multiple breeds of dogs, some even being shown as young as 6 weeks.

Further investigation has shown Golightly is a divorced man LIVING ALONE, after his split from his wife of 15 years due to 'irreconcilable differences.'

According to documents recently unsealed, the former Mrs. Golightly was a cat fancier, and had over 135 felines sharing her former home with Mr. Golightly and the family parakeet, which according to Mr. Golightly, led to 'differences', which affected their sex life. A Sun story dating back to the divorce hearing summed it up: "Yeoville Man surrounded by Pussy, Can't Get None!"

According to officials, dog fanciers are 'a problem' through out the UK, with the notable exception of Korean and Chinese communities. Officials said they will also be investigating this phenomena, and may even publish the results.

While we are waiting, the Scottish Minister of Welfare says illegitimacy has now risen to 50% in some Parishes and blames the occurrences on the country's continuing worship of WAGS, Reality Show Contestants, and "Do It Yourself" documentaries featured on the BBC.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more