Written by The Lampoon Journal

Wednesday, 24 February 2010


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image for Asteroid the Size of Rhode Island Promises to Not Be So Embarrassingly Small If It Comes Into Contact With Earth

MILKY WAY - It was recently discovered by scientists that there is a 1 in 28,000 chance that an asteroid the size of Rhode Island can have a direct impact with earth within the next 30 years.

While this may not sound like a big deal, mainly due to the length of time between now and then and the fact that it is only the size of such a small state, the asteroid assures us that it will "literally mess shit up."

"I am aware of my comparisons, however, let it be known that should I get the chance to come into contact with Earth, I will not go as quietly as Rhode Island," the defiant asteroid declared.

Scientists have measured the potential impact of the asteroid and have indeed confirmed that an impact from such an asteroid would in fact cause complete demolition, potentially killing over 30 million people and measuring the magnitude of a 9.9 earthquake or 30 million atom bombs.

"If this asteroid does come into contact with Earth, we are looking at 100 mile high tidal waves, extensive ozone damage and one really bad day," said CERN scientist Ian Van Der Mal. "Yes, I get it, Rhode Island only has 2 electoral votes and lacks a general assembly, but a Rhode Island-sized asteroid is going to be much different. Ah fuck it, I'm sure you're right," he continued.

© 2010, The Lampoon Journal. All rights reserved.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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