Union of Altarboys defend priests' rights to abuse altar boys

Funny story written by myncimynci

Wednesday, 9 December 2009


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The recent findings of a report into abuses perpetrated by Catholic ministers, was roundly criticised by the Catholic Union of Altarboys last night. The "Report of the Commission of Investigation into the Catholic Archdiocese of Dublin", found that instances of abuse were systematically covered up in order to protect the church.

As it now seems clear that the findings will lead to stricter assurances that such events will not happen again, some altar boys have reacted with anger at the decision. Sean McCulloch, 14 of Cork, led the criticisms: 'It used to be that after you got abused, you'd find a nice line in autobiographies and then obviously onto the literary circuit. From there you can get into all sorts of parties where women want to do you and that. And your follow up novel could be a load of shite and it'd still make cash. I'm lost for words at this result'.

With little to no chance of becoming successful confessional writers, many are now becoming disillusioned with life in the religious order. Says Sean; 'I only got into this to get a book deal, I mean, who in their right mind would believe in this bollocks unless there was some kind of financial gain at the end of it'. Sean continued that 'a lot of the boys cherished it. It was their only real human contact, unless you count getting hit by their hard drinking, vest wearing and heavily stereotyped fathers'. He maintained that any homosexual altar boys would find their self esteem greatly diminished as the priests were now too terrified to even want to watch them run around in their pants.

Todd Unctious, 13, also from Cork also stated that 'a lack of abuse really doesn't give me any excuse for my future drinking problems anymore.' The Catholic Union of Altarboys released a statement to the press earlier stating that; 'Everyone is going to assume we got bummed anyway, so we may as well try to get something out of it'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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