India uses highly trained monkey squads to dismantle bombs in Afghanistan

Funny story written by shea lo

Saturday, 5 December 2009

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NEW DELHI: India is taking its partnership with the US to a new level by sending highly developed, militarily-trained monkey squads to Afghanistan to assist in bomb dismantling.

The first squad, the "A. Blinkin" company arrived at a secret location in Afghanistan yesterday and has already been dispatched to highly volatile areas. It will be followed by the "Darwin" company which is a highly computer-literate team that will be designing simulations for the US Army based on patterns they detect in the Tora Bora area.

"These are highly intelligent simians that we have trained from birth in all sorts of tactical and guerrilla warfare. Because of their small paws and well-articulated digits they provide us with an indispensable resource when it comes to tackling bombs", said an unnamed Indian military strategist.

The monkeys are recruited into the Indian Army at birth and trained as highly accurate explosives experts. They also communicate extremely well with their human counterparts using a highly complex sign language based on ancient Sanskrit. This makes it difficult for the "bad guys" to decode.

"On the one hand they can put together a basic bomb in a jiffy while on the other they can dismantle other bombs in nanoseconds. It's very impressive", said an unnamed US Army source.

Operating in small teams, the monkeys can sniff out a suicide bomber two miles from his target. "It's the militants awful body odor that is a dead giveaway", confirmed a US Army major. Having spotted their quarry the monkeys track him stealthily then pounce on him holding him down while other monkeys quickly disassemble the suicide vest. "It's very effective with no loss of human life"

A highly-excited 5-star US Army General told this reporter: "We are astonished at how incredibly smart these simians are, but then again since we are descended from them that should be no surprise. The US would do well to induct these simians into our Army - we would not have to worry about drafting our young boys and girls plus the overhead costs would be peanuts, er bananas. It's also amazing what strides the Indians have made - we have so much to learn from them".

The Obama Administration had talks "with the Indians" on this subject during the visit of India's Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh to Washington last week.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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