Following the press release confirming that prominent Nevada anthropologist, Doctor Diane J Poor Phd, had discovered a 'Goat Girl' this Spoof Reporting team decamped immediately for the Nevada desert, with little or no idea where exactly we were headed for, or indeed how to get there.
We started off by flying to Las Vegas. The Terminal there was packed with tired looking male fans of The Bonkettes or someone. We thought we recognised Dame Shirley Bassey and Tom Jones mingling among the thronging crowds. But maybe not.
Our next move was to hire a car. It was a very large car. Our regular driver's feet couldn't reach the pedals from the seat so he had to drive standing up.
We headed right out into the Nevada desert looking for the 'Goat Girl' and determined to beat the opposition to the scoop of the century.
A few hours later we came across a huge RV parked out in the middle of the desert. By the side of the RV sitting in foldaway chairs, wearing sombreros and pecking away at laptops were two grizzled looking war veteran types.
We decided to stop and ask for directions to the Nevada 'Goat Girl.'
They introduced themselves as Frankie and Bert and offered us cold beer which we gratefully accepted. When we asked them why they were sitting in the desert tapping away at laptops, Frankie told us:
"We're from West 'By God' Virginia. We're just a coupla grizzled ole Viet vets. We came out here to get away from all the God damned Vampiremania that's eatin away at the kids back home."
"He's right," Bert told us. "Them damned kids need a good shakin'. It ain't right for young men to wear mascara and paint their faces white. In fact it's God damned weird is what it is."
"So we come out here a Spoofin'" Frankie added. "We get peace and quiet out here. And we can write dumb-assed stories about celebrities and their misdemeanours to our hearts content."
"Whether real or imagined," Bert said. "Don't make no never mind to us. A spoof is a spoof. Right buddy?"
We agreed and took our leave of these two charming gentlemen, who pointed us in the rough direction of the 'Goat Girl.'
Our regular driver sulked a little because he had to resume driving standing up. We waved the spoof-writing war veterans goodbye and headed off.
An hour later we came across a ranch house so we decided to try our luck there. We knocked on the screen door, but nobody heard that so we shouted "Yoo-hoo!" repeatedly. Which might sound a little gay, but it did the trick.
A lady emerged to greet us.
"We're looking for the renowned Nevada Anthropologist Dr Diane J Poor Phd," we announced.
"Oh my!" the lady exclaimed. "That's me!"
As our excitement mounted, we asked about the 'Goat Girl'
"She's here!" Dr Diane J Poor told us.
Then a 4x4 screeched up the drive trailing dust clouds.
It ground to a halt. A man of great standing emerged and shook our hands. He introduced himself:
"Hi, I just got in from Texas, I'm Abel Rodriguez, the world's foremost authority on chupacabras. Pleased to meet y'all. I heard about the 'Goat Girl' so I thought I'd best check it out. Sounds like it has certain chupacabra similarities."
"Follow me," Dr Diane J Poor told us. She then led us into the ranch house, and into a large kitchen, where what appeared to be a regular little girl was finger painting at the kitchen table.
Abel the chupacabra expert scrutinised the child, before announcing:
"What you have here is no chupacabra ma'am. It ain't no 'Goat Girl' either. It's just a regular little girl. And quite a talented fingerpainter too by the look of it."
"Oh my!" Dr Diane J Poor Phd gasped. "However could that have happened?"
When a handsome couple, who introduced themselves as Jim and Katie walked in. Along with a rather loud child named Lexi The Loud Viking for some reason.
"It's the Goat Girl' thing again isn't it? I just heard it announced by the Royal Society in London on the radio. It's created quite a stir."
"Ma'am," Abel the chupacabra man enquired politely and patiently. "How could you possibly mistake a regular little girl for a 'Goat Girl' or a chupacabra?"
"I'll tell you how," Jim explained. "She put the wrong eyeglasses on again. She's as blind as a bat without the right eyeglasses!"
"Oh Lordy, silly me!" Dr Diane J Poor Phd chuckled
How we laughed.
More as we get it.