Al Gore, described as 'a Mountain of a Man' in Global Warming Circles, pronounced today that if the world is to be saved from itself, there is no place on earth for Pets, and their carbon emissions!
The announcement would have raised alarms and Protests from millions of Pet Owners if they had heard the news, but with the new White House Media Czar, Reverend Al Sharpton filtering information, only rumours of the FATWA managed to leak out on the Glen Beck hour at Fox News.
In a spittle laced tirade , Gore, captured on a bootlegged cell phone, said that the average domestic dog "emitted the same amount of carbon waste as an SUV driven 6,000 miles per year!"
To counteract Gore's claims, Beck had noted veterinarian and nutritionist Snarly Whiplash display a few little known facts to counteract "Big Al".
Whiplash used the example of a 'typical' pet, a 7 year old Golden Retriever weighing 76 pounds. The dog was fed 2 1'2 cups of low residue premium dog food per day', 1/2 cup in the morning and 2 cups in the early evening.
The stool samples were measured, analyzed and catalogued. Independent lab findings easily disclaimed Gore's findings, indicating that a well cared for pet, on average, emitted the same amount of Carbon as a Toyota Prius driven 1200 miles per year.
Continuing the rebuttal, aided by Beck manning a large blackboard and documenting Whiplash's findings, the following facts emerged after a detailed analysis of stool samples gathered surreptitiously as part of the scientific fact finding mission:
- Al Gore: Weight 379 Pounds. Discounting for Bloat, emits enough noxious gas to move Queen Mary 2 97 nautical miles, using the figure that it takes one gallon of fossil fuel to move the liner 6 inches.
- Christie Alley: Weight 427 1/2 pounds. Enough carbon emissions equalling a company of Humvees patrolling Kabul for 3 weeks on type #2 Diesel
- Barack Hussein Obama: Weight 175 pounds. Perhaps the most distressing finding of all. Due to his extreme narcissism, type A personality, and out of control metabolism, Obama consumes and expels enough emissions equal to the fuel used by Madam Speaker Nancy Pelosi and her personal Jumbo Jet, with last air miles clocked at 225,000...and that was just going home to San Francisco.
- Oprah Winfrey" Weight : 135-297 (Fluctuates depending on how her love life is going and which sex is involved, according to Dr. Phil) emissions equal to Defcon 5 Smog alert on the LA Freeway during Friday rush hours.
- Barney Frank: Weight" 205 Pounds. Stool samples 'too large' to be accurately measured, and contained 'anomalies' which threw off laboratory testing equipment.
- Nancy Pelosi: Weight 127 Pounds. No stool samples recovered. Spokesman for the Speaker continue to maintain, "her shit don't stink, either"
Opponents of Global Warming said they are preparing to attend Town Hall Meeting across the country and protest against "Liberal Gas Bags"
Pelosi and Rahm Emanuel reacted viciously and said the protestors were Nazis, and should be 'cremated!"
