Cosmonaut Ordered Home from Space Station

Funny story written by Asheville Jack

Saturday, 11 July 2009

Marine Captain John Slayer knew something was amiss when he awoke to strange vibrations and noises. Normally Captain Slayer is allowed to sleep at least eight hours before being awakened by Houston for his six-teen hour shift aboard the International Space Station. This time he had barely been asleep three hours when he heard the pounding sound and felt the strange vibrations coming from outside his port window.

Afraid that the boom that holds one of the large electrical solar panels that power the station had somehow broken free, Captain Slayer peered out the small window into the blackness of space.

To his surprise he saw smiling back at him Major Andri Nikitin, one of the three Russian cosmonauts serving aboard the station. Even more surprising was that the Major was holding an opened bottle of clear liquid, and from which large round droplets were slowly floating away. Every couple of seconds the Major would raise the bottle up as if to take a sip, only to watch it bounce off his space suit sun visor. Even at one hundred twenty-two miles above the Earth, Captain John Slayer knew a bottle of liquor when he saw one. What he had never witnessed before was an obviously drunk and smiling cosmonaut floating around.

An hour later, after the frenzied crew had managed to pull the Major back into the station by his tethered umbilical cord, the still inebriated Major explained that he simply wanted to go outside and urinate on his ex-wife's house. When reminded that since he was in his space suite urinating on anything just wouldn't work, the major frowned and was heard to reply, "Oh, that explains that. For awhile there I dreamt I was walking around in a swamp."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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