Written by rfreed

Monday, 25 May 2009

image for Astronauts Going Stir Crazy
Astronaut #1 In Happier Days.

For the second day in a row the orbiting space shuttle has been unable to return to earth. Bad weather has prevented the descent both times. The added tension is beginning to show on the astronauts.

Astronaut 1: Mission Control, this is really getting old. We've been in this fancified Warhol soup can for two weeks now. I would really like to get home now. I can't even stretch out here without fragging someone.

Mission Control: Sorry #1. You're just going to have to hang in there a while longer. We should be able to get you down soon.

Astronaut 1: Mission Control, we are drinking our own pee here, for God's sakes! Do you think that is enjoyable? Do you think that enhances our images as space cowboys? You know what women say to me in bars now when I try to kiss them? "Have you washed those lips of yours first? What have you been putting in those things lately." We're the ones making all the sacrifices here, not you video geeks down there in Houston.

Mission Control: We're working on the problem #1. We'll get you down as soon as we can.

Astronaut 1: Forget your damn sensors for a moment- let me give you a first hand briefing on what it is like here. We are down to eating saltines and goo in a tube. Tang after two weeks doesn't taste any better than our recycled wa-wa. We've run out of toilet paper and are using our daily reports. We're having to use the fire extinguishers to clean our hands. Raymond has started chewing on electrical cables for entertainment. John has been imagining a giant rabbit friend talking to him from outside the portal. The Russian is really giving me the creeps. He doesn't know that I can read Russian and can see that he has taken a sudden interest in cannibal articles on the Internet. Do you think it's fun up here? There is space debris flying around all over the place. This morning we almost got toasted by the FOX News satelite. Do you think that's funny? NOOOOOO.... It's as serious as the Plague!!! GET US DOWN FROM HERE! I don't care if you have to land us in the middle of the Gobi Desert!

Mission Control: It looks like there might be an opening in the weather at 2 AM tonight...

Astronaut #1: We better be getting overtime for this!
Mission Control: But that will put you over Somalia for re-entry.

Astonaut #1: ( Significant pause) That might be a better alternative. Maybe if we're lucky they'll hijack us and we'll get something decent to eat. (pause) Forget that. They are next to Ethiopia, aren't they?

Mission Control: Ahh, Astonaut #1, bad news. The window of opportunity just closed. It will be a few more days before we can bring you down.

Astronaut #1: (Very significant pause) AAARRGHH!!! Swoooooooosh!

Mission Control: Hello?...Hello?...What happened?

Astronaut #2: Astronaut #2 here. Ernie just flushed himself through the air lock into space.

Mission Control: Its just as well. He was getting on my nerves. How are you and the other astronauts doing?

Astronaut #2: We're all ok except for Raymond who was eaten by the Russian. Other than that everything is going well.

Mission Control: Well, hang in there folks. We're doing all we can.

Astronaut #2: Ok, we'll just keep on.... Oh my God!!! It's a giant, old Telstar coming right at us! Ahhhhhh.... (a sudden explosive sound, then dead silence).

Mission Control: Houston to Cape Canaveral, I believe we are going to save a lot of money on this recovery.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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