It has come to the attention of the US Center for Responsible Appellation Policy (US CRAP) that the global porcine slander has become intolerable and reflects personal prejudice, not fact. Accordingly, new recommendations are being promulgated to more accurately reflect the source of this emerging infectious disease.
The top choices for the "swine" flu renaming; Tequila Virus, the Pancho Villa Virus, Green Card Virus, Tourista Virus or the Juantanamera Virus. Following a joint teleconference today with the US Surgeon General's office, USCRAP, the CDC and WHO, a global renaming of the viral outbreak will be made official and distributed to the media and via all other global communication channels, including The Dr. Phil TV Show, American Idol, MySpace, Facebook, YouTube, The HUSTLER Magazine Chatline and the NASCAR Channel. Also, to hasten the distribution of the official notice, CDC and WHO will place a shockwave file to be placed on all internet pornography websites originating from former Soviet satellites...a special thanks to US Supreme Court Justice Clarence "Long Dong Silver" Thomas for this last suggestion.
There has been widespread discussion regarding the shortage of N-95 respirators. The CDC has issued guidelines for suitable alternatives to be used as protective respiratory masks, which includes E-85 soaked rags, Sanitary napkins [Kotex Heavy Days ONLY] or General Motors Stock Certificates. Each state Department of Public Health should contact HHS or the Treasury to replenish dwindling supplies available in respective states.
CDC has ascertained that AIG Preferred Shares may also be used as protection and Treasury has communicated that they have suitable supplies to provide shares for every man, woman and child residing in the Milky Way.
CDC has also issued an advisory discouraging inserting tampons into nostrils as an alternative means of respiratory prophylaxis as this protocol has created a global shortage needed to address women's menstrual needs.
On other fronts; Hillary Rodham Clinton has directed the State Department to issue a communiqué refuting assertions that the emerging pandemic is a joint conspiracy of Hasidic Rabbis and Iranian Mullahs. SEC Chairman Charles Ponzi also reports the excessive short selling of Tyson and Smithfield shares in recent days is purely coincidental.