PORT-AU-PRINCE, Tuesday - République d'Haïti President, René Préval, announced that the troubled Turks and Caicos Islands are to be annexed as Haïti's newest province and renamed 'Bohio', meaning "rich villages" in the ancient Taino/Arawak language. He will move his administrative seat of government into Sticky Micky's 'White House' in Providenciales with immediate affect.
The Haïtian navy has moved in force to block off all ports in Grand Turk, Providenciales and other Caicos islands in advance of the widely anticipated arrival of British warships, who have their own imperialistic aspirations for the tiny nation paradise.
"Haïtian infiltration has quietly been going on for years." said President Préval, "There is much Haïtian blood in the Turks Islanders already through intermarriage and prostitution. Even Sticky Micky stuck it in a few of our girls."
"Their economy couldn't survive without Haïtian workers on the streets. Boat loads of reinforcements have been sent almost daily for years, and some of them even arrived in the right places."
"Turks islanders are lazy, and without Haïtians to do the dirty work, they would never have grown into the tiny island paradise that is now world famous. Some Turks Island men consider making love a chore and will even employ Haïtians to do it for them."
The República Dominicanan President, Leonel Fernández, not to be outdone, has also launched his navy northwards towards the tiny nation paradise. "Our people have also been there in force for many years, and our prostitutes are much prettier." he said, "Our men are the craftsmen that built the Turks Islands, and the Haïtians are simple labourers. We have more rights to rule than Haïti!"
Confrontation on the high seas is much anticipated, as well as on the disputed border of the two nations that share the island of Hispaniola.
Meanwhile, the British Task Force - unequalled since the Faulklands crisis - set set from Portsmouth and expects to be in Caribbean waters within days.
The Turks Islanders continue to argue amongst themselves, or stick their heads in the sands of beautiful Grace Bay beach.
Watch this space.