Jack Nicholson Sits in For Ailing Presidential Spokesman Gibbs: Shit Hits the Fan!

Funny story written by Morse

Sunday, 22 February 2009

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Nicholson Calls for Code Red: Burn Everything as US Retreats from Mexican Border!

Washington,DC/ Meet the Press and Die Laughing! - The air turned blue today as Hollywood Icon Jack Nicholson filled in for Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs who was having a panic attack, as well as suffering from a severe case of diarrhea, and faced off with an increasingly aggressive press corp.

The press room was filled to over flowing after the news of CNBC reporter Rick Santelli having a melt down on the Chicago Stock Exchange Floor over Obama's mortgage bailout for dead beats, and the breaking news that the US had pulled back from the Mexican border, and the ensuing chaos reigning after the Mexican government fell to the State Drug Cartel.

Nicholson, wearing dark shades, an LA Lakers Basketball Jersey, and drawing on a long black cuban cigar, appeared calm as the news conference began, even joking with Helen Thomas, the 105 year old news hack said to have slept with every president since Teddy Roosevelt. Nicholson winked at Thomas, wiggled his cigar in her direction and said, "How ya doin', Mamma!"

Major Garrett, of Fox News, out shouted the rest of the journalists present, and pointedly asked Nicholson if he had been responsible for ordering "The Code Red", the government's withdrawal all along the Mexican border, which left hundreds of thousands of civilians at the mercy of marauding Mexican Drug Lords and their invading armies.

"Hell yes, I ordered a Code Red," Nicholson spat, "we've pulled back to LA in California, Flagstaff in Arizona, Aburguerque in New Mexico, and as far north as Amarillo in Texas! It's a strategic withdrawal, with some unfortunate collateral damage!"

Garrett pressed why Nicholson refused to tell more about the motives behind the evacuation, some called it a retreat, by the Obama Appeasement Team in handling the sneak attack by the Mexicans after the government fell, late Friday night. "We're just looking for some transparency here, "Garrett said, " and a little truth for the American People wouldn't hurt either!"

"Truth, Truth," Nicholson roared, his neck turning red under his starched Jersey collar, " You can't handle the fucking truth!. The truth is this country has lost it's backbone! This Administration won't put adequate weapons in the hands of the military so they can defend us, the politicians just elected don't have the cajones to stand up to bullying or terrorism, and Obama thinks he can talk his way out of everything. After all, he just bull shitted his way into the office of the President of the United States!"

"But why the retreat, " Garrent continued, " it looks like a rout!"

Calming somewhat, Nicholson gave Garrett and the viewing audience at home one of his famous looks, similar to the crazed sociopath in "The Shining" and said, "Because, Boyo...we're burning everything as we leave, buildings, strip malls, banks, grocery stores and taco stands! We're leaving a wasteland for them to pick over. After we get them in the "no man's land", with nothing to protect them, and they're eating their sandals, then we're goin' Nuke em, and I mean Nuke em good! Won't be no one on this side of the border alive within 150 miles, and no one livin' there for the next 1500 years, about as long as it takes a plastic water bottle to dissolve. We don't need no friggin fence...we done just set ourselves up with a plutonium barrier....Safe at last, Thank God We be Safe at last!"

As the stunned press corp sat in silence, VP Joe Bidden stumbled onto the dais, whispered in Jack's ear, and arm in arm, they left the stage.

Just as the gathering was starting to stir, Biden popped out from the wings waving and said, "I agree with everything Jack just said, and at least 30% of it may turn out to be true....I'll get back to you as soon as I can find Barry and Greg Craig, and confirm the other 70%!"

Nicholson's approval rating soared to 98% among the remaining US Population who finally figured it out.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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