Israel Begins Saturation Bombing of Red Cross, United Nations

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Saturday, 10 January 2009

image for Israel Begins Saturation Bombing of Red Cross, United Nations
"A return to calm is our dream as well," said Def. Minister Tzipi Livni as she pressed a red button, launching missiles.

GAZA CITY - Israeli forces blew the Red Cross' temporary headquarters in Gaza City to smithereens Friday afternoon, then blasted United Nations humanitarian forces. Even as nations around the world have expressed shock at the violence, Israeli Army officials dismissed rocket fire against the Red Cross and United Nations as "minor events."

Israel granted the beleaguered organizations a temporary three hour ceasefire to gather their wounded, who are being tended to in temporary shelters, as all public Palestinian hospitals in Gaza City are overflowing. The United Nations, attempting to rush emergency medical supplies across the Israeli-Gaza border to the Red Cross, barely made it in time before the lull in fighting expired. They ducked, swerved and dodged wildly, narrowly avoiding missile fire and arriving with flame-licked, soiled trousers.

Israel had previously been releasing television broadcasts warning the Red Cross and United Nations that the IDF would continue its violence and destruction until its demands were met. However, with most U.N. forces and Red Cross workers now cowering in abandoned schools and destroyed buildings with no electricity, it became necessary to merely drop warning leaflets in the streets. "I want my mommy!" said one Red Cross worker upon thumbing through a leaflet.

The Israeli government has indicated it would be glad to cease its campaign of terror against the Red Cross and United Nations, but added this is dependent upon them no longer "smuggling" humanitarian aid to the Palestinians. As 7 of 10 Israeli casualties in the conflict so far have been from so-called "friendly fire," and more than 4 innocent Palestinian civilians have been killed for every dead Hamas fighter, Israeli demands should not be taken lightly. They are obviously dead serious, mad as hell, and far beyond rational thought or the ability to use reason.

With her fingers crossed behind her back, Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni said, "I can understand the eagerness of the international community to see the return to calm. This is our dream as well. This is what we are looking for." European foreign ministers asked her why, then, does she continue to bomb the hell out of anybody and everybody else in the region, sometimes violating Egyptian airspace to do so. She shrugged and grinned wryly, not seeming to have an answer, then reached over and pressed a red button, launching even more missiles.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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