On Line Poker more popular than God and Sex in Vatican City

Funny story written by Fergus McCarthy

Sunday, 4 January 2009


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Vatican spokesman Monsignor Fabrizio 'The Stone' Sachetti has sparked a war of words following allegations of on line gambling addictions amongst Vatican City clergy.

Monsignor Sachetti has lived in the Papal enclave for 34 years and has seen many changes during his pampered and pointless existence but none more so than the dramatic rise in popularity of the internet 'Poker room'.

"Gambling has become a major problem since the Holy City was connected to broadband, we do live in a modern world and here at head office we understand the necessity of electronic communications such as Email and video conferencing, Google has been a godsend and I'll admit I'm a huge 'Youtube' fan but some of our members seem either unable or indeed unwilling to leave it at that"

Msgr Sachetti quickly dismissed rumours of Priests filing for bankruptcy and nuns moonlighting as hookers to pay gambling debts as 'Bullshit'.

"I have heard nothing of these claims, my laptop is in for spiritual cleansing at the moment and my 'Blackberry has been playing up so I'm a bit out of the loop at the moment.

"All I know is that the Vatican City used to be a wonderful place to live and work, free acommodation, unlimited wine and adulation, the hottest little nuns from all over the world pandering to your every whim, sex drugs and rock and roll baby all topped of with a massive piss up at Christmas and Easter.

It's all changed now. No one talks to each other anymore, they've all got their noses buried in notebooks in the coffee shops near the wifi stations, masses are frequently late or even cancelled due to the lack of availability of clergy caught up in 24 hour 'Texas hold em' tournaments. It's like a new religion"

Four nuns from the order of the 'Vatican Mary's" were suspended last week after footage appeared on Irish video site 'U2ube' showing them performing a lesbian striptease under the stage name of the 'Lairy Mary's' to a packed nightclub close to St Peter's Basillica.

Msgr Sachetti initially refused to comment on the raunchy 4 minute clip but did admit that the Holy Father, Pope Benedict will make a decision on the nuns future after a private show with senior church officials in the Pontiffs private chambers.

"Hopefully it'll be back to the good old days, laying on of hands and all that"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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