It has been claimed that Jesus once healed ten leopards, and so can add animal faith healing to his already impressive superhero's CV.
He famously turned water into wine, putting his local off-licence Schmaddows out of business, walked across the Sea of Galilee, and of course married Mary Magdalene, who had his children, although that was denied by the Holy Kraut of Obeyingorders, Pope Adolf the Brownshirted Denier.
But a newly-discovered ancient parchment - the Dqtrdlttl Scroll - describes how the bearded one saved the big cats from a fate worse than appearing in a Christmas song:
'And Jesus did go unto Galilee, and saith: 'Let me go!', but was told 'Wrong song, mate', by a passing Samaritan. And so he verily went unto Nazareth, and came to where a cave was. And in the cave dwelt ten leopards, plus a full-time cleaner, and Jesus saith 'Why are thee and thy large spotted cats in this cave?' And the cleaner saith 'They have the spots, oh Lord', and begged Jesus to allow him to break into a George Harrison song, but Jesus saith: 'Nay, nay, oh clean one, but the cats are now saved.' And verily the cats were spotless once again, and ran out of the cave in great joy. 'Tell no-one I did this!', Jesus admonished the carpet scratchers, but like the deaf adders before them they were too busy raiding a local fishmonger's to pay him heed, or even to hear his admonishing.'
On hearing the news of this story, Pope Adolf the Denier instantly denied Jesus could have healed animals. 'Und I deny women the right to become priests, und I deny that Jesus was even a human being.' But when asked what his Church actually did to spread Jesus's teachings, Herr Hitlinger did what all Germans do and pretended that he suddenly couldn't understand English, and had only been obeying orders.
The leopards meanwhile had discovered thousands of fishes, that Jesus had stored for a rainy day near Jerusalem, and were busy devouring them when he came round the corner and caught them at it. 'You ungrateful bastards!', he shouted at the cats, before lunging at them with his shepherd's crook, 'I'll kill you for this!', and was seen chasing them down the road to Caesaria - and they still had plenty of fish in their mouths - yelling 'Come back, you thieving swine! I want my fish back for my Friday night party tricks! Come back!', but to no avail, as the animals had legged it across the border into Jordan.
The Church will consider making December the 17th the Holy Day of Chasing Thieving Leopards Down The Road, and candles in the shape of half-eaten fishes were being manufactured in a slave labour camp near Dresden. Ave Hitler.
