Somalia's Pirates Buy Tanks, Jets and Nukes

Funny story written by Rusty

Wednesday, 3 December 2008


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Admiral O'Dinga's Cruise Missile Carrier Flagship

A Ukrainian ship supposedly seized by pirates off the coast of Somalia was carrying battle tanks, fighter jets and tactical nuclear weapons, the Ukrainian defence ministry has confirmed.

Earlier, the country's foreign ministry said the ship and its crew of 21, sailing under a Belize flag from Odessa to the Kenyan port of Mombassa, had been hijacked by pirates but promptly changed their story and came clean when it was revealed by Western intelligence sources the actual destination for the cargo was Eyl Port in the wholly-autonomous Somali region of Poundland.

The ship's manifest clearly showed the military cargo was destined for Eyl Port, and consigned to the Somali Maritime Authority's 'Department of Piracy'.

Ukraine Defence Minister Yury Sellitoff confirmed that 33 Russian T-72 battle tanks, 12 Mig-35 fighter jets and enough ammunition and nuclear ordnance to start and win World War Four were aboard.

Speaking to Jane's Combat Weekly News, Minister Sellitoff revealed that several representatives of Somalia's Ministry of Piracy had recently attended one of the Ukraine's regular military ordnance fire sale auctions and paid cash up front for their purchases with suitcases of US dollars, Euros and pieces of eight.

He said all the weapons had been sold in full compliance with established international armament agreements, and displayed a Somali government end-users certificate, printed out on the back of a corn flakes packet.

"Now we have the weapons to carry out regular piracy patrols to counter the West's anti-piracy patrols off the Somali coast," Admiral Bonkers O'Dinga of the Somali Maritime Authority told the media at a press conference in Mogadishu's premier one star Slumscum Towers Hotel.

"Just wait until the bully-boy Americans come bombing us again to try and halt our only national industry. Now the sandal will be on the other foot when we bomb them back at their bases in Djibouti with our Russian cruise missiles. Now we are a regional nuclear power like America's running-dog Zionist Israeli puppets."

News that celebrity slapperette Miley Cyrus had also been kidnapped by Somali pirates elicited howls of raucous laughter from the gutter press when the ransom note was returned with the message "Keep the little cunt."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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