Written by Morse

Thursday, 27 November 2008

image for In Shocking Interview van der Sloot Claims He Sold Missing Fox Anchor Greta Van Susteran to Vladmir Putin!
Russian Warship Arrives in Venezuela Carrying Missing Fox Anchor Greta Van Susteran!

Bangkok,Thailand/ Reuters - Talk show host Larry King boosted his sagging ratings with a shocking TV confession by Aruba sociopath Joran van der Sloot that he was responsible for the disappearance of Fox Anchor Greta Van Susteran!

The dogged Van Susteran, on the trail of van der Sloot for the 2005 disappearance of spring breaker Natalee Holloway, had interviewed the shifty suspect on numerous occasions, getting a different story each time.

The most recent confession contained chilling details on how the erstwhile playboy sold the blonde high school student to a mysterious casino goer in Aruba for $10,000 and she was whisked away from a deserted beach by a motor launch into oblivion.

Van der Sloot confessed in another interview that he was also involved in procuring attractive Thai women for a international sex ring for a fee of $10,000 per head.

Van Susteran was last reported in Thailand as she continued to pursue the ever evolving story. She vanished without a trace , last seen by a Fox Producer, as she entered a Thai taxi to allegedly meet Van der Sloot at a Karaoke bar to participate in a Sonny & Chere duet sing along.

Investigators have verified that in addition to $500,000 in finder's fees for selling nubile Thai girls, Van der Sloot has banked over $1m in "Confession Fees" from Fox News.

Nervously tweaking his paisley suspenders, aging host King refused to confirm that CNN had paid Van der Sloot $1.5m to tell what he knew about the Fox anchor and rival TV personality.

King started the interview:

King: Hi Joran! As you know, I have been married many times, but I was never married to Greta, even though I asked her several times. That's just to clear the air so my viewers know I have no stake in this investigation, and alimony payments to a missing woman don't taint this discussion and affect my ratings.

Joran: Yeah, Right.

King: You've told us off air that you received $50,000 for delivering Greta to a Russian warship that was headed to Venezuela. How did that come about?

Joran: I was approached by the KGB and made an offer I couldn't refuse.

King: Please explain, Joran, if it doesn't upset you too much.

Joran: Yeah. Well. They explained that Putin wanted to send along a little something to Hugo Chavez to prove his sincerity. Hugo was concerned that Greta was going to start in on him as soon as she wound up this Natalee thing, and basically Putin hates the press and has been doing away with them one at a time.

King: Is it true that you wear a size 14 sneaker?

Joran: (smiling...puts feet on Larry's desk) Yeah. Amazing right! That's how I connect with all these chics. They see my foot size and assume....well, you know...(studies Larry)...well, maybe you wouldn't.

King: I want to thank you again Joran for giving us some of your valuable time. Where are you off to now?

Joran: Well, I've got The View, Oprah, Letterman and then an invitation to the inauguration, if I decide to go as a special guest of Barney Frank.

King: We won't keep you then! Ladies and Gentlemen, international Bon Vivant, Joran van der Sloot!

Joran: Err, Larry....this is really all shit....I lied. See 'ya next time!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.

Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
58 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more