Paul Newman was welcomed to Heaven by a group of fellow vertically impaired dead actors-including Charlie Chaplin, Richard Burton, Natalie Wood, Judy Garland and Alan Ladd, it's been learned.
Newman entered the Pearly Gates through the Doggie Door as a band made up of tiny singers and musicians, led by Guy Lombardo, Judy Garland, Little Jimmie Dickens, Sammy Davis Jr. and Bobby Darin, played short-themed songs, including-of course-Randy Newman's huge hit, "Short People." (Randy Newman is still alive and is not related to Paul.)
Two-foot eight-inch "tall" General Tom Thumb, a 19th Century circus performer, was the shortest celebrant in attendance. Mother Teresa read from Biblical verses praising the contributions to society of undersized humans. She also declared that "God, if there is one, helped these half-pints overcome the obstacles society placed in front of them and-through gallant yet short strides-became persons of distinction that their normal-statured peers could look down upon for generations to come."
To add special honor to Paul Newman, "Short People" was shortened. Only the first three lines were sung: "Short people got no reason; Short people got no reason, Short people got no reason to live."