Written by Robert W. Armijo

Saturday, 13 September 2008

Athens, Greece - Apparently angry that man has mastered fire to the point of recreating the Big Bang, Prometheus, known as the father of mankind in Greek mythology for giving man the gift of fire, ordered a crew of Greek computer hackers to break into the computers controlling the LHC at CERN just before test firing the particle accelerator in an attempt to sabotage the experiment.

Reportedly when the authorities apprehended the crew of Greek computer hackers, one exclaimed, "Prometheus made us do it!"

CERN officials, however, were able to thwart the sabotage attempt before testing of the LHC began.

"At no time was the public safety, or more importantly that of the experiment, ever compromised by the hackers," said a CERN spokesman.

CERN officials were able to detect the hackers' presence well in advance because they anticipated and planned ahead for such a cyber attack.

"We were well aware of Prometheus's plans to sabotage the LHC," said a CERN physicist. "Because it happened many times before. Only in different parallel dimensions and alternate Universes we have created ever since we turned on the LHC."

CERN officials confirm that they have received warnings from other physicists at other CERN and particle collider facilities that suffered the Prometheus sponsored computer hacker attacks.

"Unfortunately, it was too late for them," said the CERN spokesman. "But they were kind enough to pass on the knowledge of the impending computer hacker attacks before they imploded."

Not ever receiving a warning or getting one in time of a Prometheus computer hacker attack, those parallel dimensions and alternate Universes have not been heard from ever since. It is believed they simply ceased to exist.

"Now its our turn to play it forward," said a CERN physicists. "Or in this case, play it backward as we have to send a warning to some particle collider called the Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider (RHIC) facility sometime in the past, warning them that their 'Review of Speculative Disaster Scenarios at RHIC' had a typo of significant import and as it turns out, magnitude."

CERN physicists plan to send that warning as soon as possible via the LHC time warp feature sometime after lunch.

"The time warp feature was totally optional," said a CERN official. "Quite expensive too. But I know of at least one alternate Universe that will be glad that we pimped out our LHC with the extra bling, bling."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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