Written by Oskar Bluebottle

Friday, 18 July 2008

The World Convention of Toppers (WCT) in The Hague has fallen into difficulties as delegates fail to agree on the fundamentals of the organisation. The WCT was to be the first worldwide gathering of people who always lay claim to have done things before, better, or for longer than anyone else. That dream now appears to be in tatters.

Speaking from Dubai, General Secretary of the Irish Toppers, Sir Mick CĂșchulainn
told reporters, "It's a little mad, sure it is. As soon as I heard we were meeting in The Hague - and I got the email first, you know, before it had been sent - I immediately booked a suite here at the 7-star Burj Al Arab for the whole surrounding fortnight, but it's ridiculous to expect me to commute all the way to Holland."

A similar comment came from the French representative, the Vicomte d'Ypres. "I bought a lease on an island in the South Seas in anticipation of the Congress when I was six, but - surprise, surprise - no-one bothered to ask me whether The Netherlands was a good location, even though I drafted the country's Constitution."

Convenor General of the WCT, General Secretary of the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg Travel Agents Association and Supreme Defender Against Evil (Chorleywood South), Saint Patrick Vouchsurger RMT, issued a press release on his arrival at The Hague from his underwater kingdom, where he had been awaiting an urgent telephone call from his mother before rushing to the conference. "You know, it's very like when I had to organise the humanitarian relief effort in the wake of the tsunami disaster in 2004. I don't talk about it much, but it's not everyone who can touch the world's collective conscience and inspire donations of billions of dollars in a couple of hours - never mind that I was hosting my usual Boxing Day lunch for President Mugabe, Charles Aznavour, "Beefy" Botham and the Duchess of York at the time.

"This situation with the Toppers is frustrating, but, to be honest, it was much the same when I was setting up the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission back in '95. Luckily, I've been given the gift of omniscience by a false god, so there's no reason for other Toppers to be here to vote on the resolutions. I'll be emailing everyone to let them know the results, and the timing of the next convention, in Leeds in July 2010."

Commenting on this latest news, Mick CĂșchulainn pointed out that he has secured sole occupancy of the Singita Sabi Sand resort in South Africa for the entire month of July 2010 (at a discount because his brother-in-law used to go out with one of the gamekeepers).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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