Written by Robert W. Armijo

Thursday, 10 April 2008

image for Pope decries Pregnant Man's pregnancy: "Emasculate Conception!" Thomas Beatie's self-proclaimed miracle and campaign for sainthood fails
The Pope Benedict XVI proclaims: "Est vir. Est non vir."

Vatican City - Today in Vatican City before the voting body of the College of Cardinals summoned by Pope Benedict XVI for a special counsel on the matter of the pregnancy of Thomas Beatie (a transgender male) being declared a miracle, the Pope suddenly arose from his chair and taking in a deep breath, decried in Latin: "That's no man. That's no miracle. That's an emasculate conception!" The Holy See then collapsed back onto his chair, revived later with smelling salt in time for the voting.

Beatie had been campaigning the Vatican to declare his self-proclaimed pregnancy an official miracle by the Church for the purpose of having his application for "Patron Saint of All Pregnant Men" approved.

Beatie saw the recent changes in the Vatican law governing sainthood of requiring a total of only two miracles needed (one for beatification and one for canonization) instead of the traditional four as his opportunity to get his application for sainthood fast tracked pass the ultraconservative College of Cardinals.

"It used to be two for each," said a disgruntled voting member of the College of Cardinals who asked not to be identified. "I don't blame Thomas Beatie for campaigning the Church for sainthood. It's so easy now with the miracle requirements lowered to just one for each. It only serves to invite petitions for sainthood from anyone self-proclaiming a miracle now days. I fully expect the College of Cardinals to spend the entire year and most of their summer vacation in conclave entertaining worthless applications for sainthood from every Tom, Dick and Harry. It serves them right."

Beatie had planned on the Pope declaring the conception, birth and raising a normal child without mother issues all miracles (another series of firsts for the Church to consider), and thereby throwing him over the top, filling the holy miracle quota for sainthood. However, the College of Cardinals and the Pope thought otherwise.

"It's a shame that the Church chooses to keep its head buried in the sand while the rest of us move on," said a spokesperson for Thomas Beatie. "The world has embraced Thomas Beatie's miracle of being the first pregnant man without question. Well, at least the mainstream media has and everybody knows they're the only ones that really count."

According to Beatie, by the Church rejecting his pregnancy as a miracle and subsequently his application for sainthood, it seriously stands to turn its back on a growing segment of the population: pregnant men.

Emerging from their conclave, the final College of Cardinals Elector's roll call vote on Thomas Beatie's self-proclaimed miracle and his application for sainthood: 118 against with one abstention.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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