Scientists Pinpoint Number One Cause of Climate Change; Blame the Animals, They Say

Funny story written by bartlebysnopes

Thursday, 13 March 2008

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BERLIN--Next time you are complaining about the abnormal sweltering heat or that late season winter storm, don't blame yourself for driving that gas guzzling SUV or voting Republican. Rather, blame your dog.

An international organization of scientists, called Scientists Against Climate Change (SACC), have declared that the number one contributor to our planet's climate change (formerly known as global warming) is animal feces.

Dimitrov Irglovod, a Russian scientist and the chief researcher for SACC, announced his organization's findings at a press conference in Berlin on Thursday morning.

"The number one factor that has caused our planet's intense shift in climate is animal feces," he declared in the conference that was broadcast live across the globe. "In fact, animals are more to blame than all human factors combined."

The study, which took approximately ten years to complete, focused on measuring the number of ozone-damaging toxins produced per square foot on the entire planet. Animal feces, according to the study, produces five times as many toxins per square foot than any manmade cause. The study demonstrated that each pound of animal feces on average contains 36% potentially hazardous toxins.

Irglovod did not push the blame entirely on animals though. "We still need to hold ourselves accountable," he told the press. "But instead of focusing on reducing the carbon emissions of our vehicles, we need to focus more on controlling the world's animal population. In part, this is still our fault because we have contributed to this problem."

According to Irglovod, human efforts to save species from extinction have resulted in an increase in animal feces, which has created an increase in ozone-damaging toxins.

"People will wonder why, if animal are to blame, then why didn't this climate change occur earlier," Irglovod stated. "Well, the answer to that is it has. Look at the ice age. Look at the end of the ice age. These are examples of climate change caused by animals. Why is it happening now instead of 100 years ago? Because there are more animals now. And that's primarily our fault."

It turns out that by slaughtering animals during the last several hundred years, humans had actually prevented climate change from occurring sooner. Recent efforts to save animals, such as the polar bear, have resulted in extensive damage to the ozone layer. The study shows that some of the animals that mankind has fought to protect are the most harmful to the planet. The polar bear, for example, produces 57% toxins per pound of feces. With more polar bears now than there were 50 years ago, there are many more toxins being emitted daily.

SACC provided very few solutions to this problem. The organization said that humans still need to watch their own carbon emissions, but the number one solution they offered was to just let the animals be. In a public statement, SACC said, "If we stop all of our environmental efforts that result in expanding the animal population, then perhaps we can begin to slow this climate change."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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