President George W. Bush reportedly signed an executive order to send troops to Dili, East Timor after gunmen wounded that country's president, Jose Ramos-Horta, however, U.S. government officials were red-faced in meekly admitting they didn't know the location of East Timor and had to Google it.
"Lots of us thought it was in Africa," a State Department intern said. "I was up all night with a magnifying glass and a map."
Officials said they hoped to at least spot Timor on the map, then look east of it, although a CIA chief said if it's below the equator, the search team should look west, not east because "everything's turned around down there." He intimated that the process would be speeded up if the map was inverted.
"Up is down and down is ... you catch my drift," said the CIA man, trying not to reveal too much, as his years of specialized training taught him. "Just look, but look the other way. Got it?"
Troops assigned to the mission were ordered to pack for the long haul, although President Bush planned a victory speech even before they landed wherever the hell it was they were going.
"We don't know what we're doing, but we've got moxie," one U.S. Army captain said.
The State Department wasn't sure which branch of the service to send to quell the situation. One popular suggestion was to send some Chicago-based neo-Nazi headbangers as an advance team before committing the armed forces. Several rival neo-Nazi groups pleaded with their congressmen to put in a good word for them.
U.S. satellites orbiting the earth were unsuccessful in finding East Timor. Reports filtered in through back-sources that it's an island northwest of Australia, but several government insiders laughed that off, only later to confirm it was true.
"Finally, we got multiple Google hits that matched up, so now we feel good about knowing where to look," a White House aide said. "My Garmin nuvi has Dili's streets plotted, but it still can't tell us how to get to East Timor. Do you turn left at Japan or right? We may have to call our friends at Scotland Yard."
