San Francisco zoo has today sensationally claimed that its big cats are evolving more rapidly in captivity than other wild cats all over the world.
Following the recent incident where a man was killed by a female tiger the zoo has conducted its own internal investigation into the Christmas Day tragedy. It has reached the inescapable conclusion that the tiger managed to free itself by picking the combination lock to its own cage using a severed whisker.
Today a snow leopard successfully negotiated a seven point deadlock using a visitors hairpin in order to free itself. It then strolled past hundreds of terrified visitors, punched out the 4 digit door entry combination to the site restaurant and managed to devour a cheesecake and a packet of fries before it was shot. The zoo claims the snow leopard appeared to have memorised the 4-digit keypad combination in what they claim is "the next stage in big cat evolution."
Other sensational incidents at the zoo include giraffes opening padlocks with their tongues, polar bears using penguins as battering rams to break their glass enclosures and pandas teleporting from place to place.
However, a San Franciscan zoo inspector has claimed that the escapes are simply due to all the cages being about 1 metre below regulation height.
Zoo owners, Millie and Billy Smart, commented that the zoo inspector simply "can't handle the truth, which is that San Francisco zoo animals are evolving at an incredible rate, beyond that of human evolution." They followed this with a demonstration in which several zookeepers tried to outrun an assortment of big cats, unsuccessfully.
