Flaming mad flamingoes attack Jack Hannah

Funny story written by Jack Battler

Wednesday, 19 September 2007

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SAN FRANCISCO, CALIF - Zookeeper Jack Hannah endured a foul assault by a flock of angry flamingoes yesterday outside his home near San Francisco. The attack comes on the heels of an incident three days ago when Hannah became stuck inside a turnstile with a caged flamingo he was escorting.

"They descended on me -- about 30 of them -- from a nearby tree when I walked out of my house," Hannah explained. "I know what this is about, but I'm not sure what else I can do but apologize again for what happened earlier this week. I'm certainly not going to curtail my traveling to and from work because of a bunch of bitter birds."

Hannah said the event that sparked the ordeal was all an unfortunate accident and he regrets any discomfort or trauma that may have been caused to the bird when the two had to be cut free of the metal turnstile by the local fire department.

"I should have somehow put the cage through before me," Hannah said. If I had known I was going to get stuck I certainly would not have proceeded as I did. It was horrible for me and I guess also for the bird. Who would have known that he had so many friends and relatives that would become enraged over the incident!"

There has been a general squawking of malpractice by bird rights advocate alleging that the incident highlights an endemic disregard for the health and welfare of Feathered-Americans.

Sesame Street's Big Bird said in an interview on Good Morning America today that he suspects there was no intentional wrongdoing on Hannah's part and that flamingoes tend to be "flighty and over reactive."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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