Written by Fergus McCarthy

Friday, 4 January 2008

image for Ireland and the UK to introduce 'Drink Driving' lanes on private toll roads.
Dublins new 'Drink Driving' Toll road.

The governments of Ireland and the United Kingdom are co-operating on a highly controversial plan to introduce police controlled private toll roads for drunk drivers.

The proposed move has been slammed by motoring associations and road safety officials as an act of lunacy and a cynical exercise in profiteering.

Irish Minister for transport Mr Noel Dempsey answered questions as he waited for his ministerial Mercedes outside popular Dublin nightspot "Copper faced Jacks" at chucking out time last night.

"Look right! We know it's not going to be popular with everyone but I firmly believe that if given enough time, this new strategy to curb drink driving will be effective in bringing down the numbers of alcohol related road deaths by at least 90 to 95% in the next 18 months."

When asked by a happily lubricated sports journalist and RTE Television comeback kid Eamonn Dunphy how the Minister could stand there at three in the morning eating a batter burger and chips, with ketchup dripping down his shirt, a bottle of Heineken in the top pocket of his 'Louis Copeland' suit and expect to be taken seriously on such a sensitive and serious issue the minister handed Dunphy a copy of newly passed legislation giving the green light for the new roads.

"Anybody who wishes to drive after a night on the piss can pay a toll and drive home as fast as they like immune from prosecution, whenever they crash the local council will pick them up in the morning and deposit their worthless carcasses in a special section at the city dump.

"That should take most of the habitual DD's off the road within the year and we predict that the Drunken Drag toll roads will be phased out within 4 years OK ya smart arsed little shite Dunphy!!!"

"And what?" laughed a scornful Dunphy "What will you do about the piss heads who refuse to pay the toll and take the back roads home eh? What are ya going to do about that eh??"

"Thats Willies department you scruffy fucker! Willie!!!"

Diminutive Irish Defence Minister Willie O'Dea broke off from a particularly vicious knife fight he was embroiled in with a particularly vocal Shell Corrib Pipeline protestor.

"I'll be back ya crusty bollox!!" He screamed at the badly beaten woman.

"What the fuck do you want Dunphy? Eh? Do you want some?!" he menaced in his distinctive Limerick brogue. After being restrained and disarmed by his Ministerial Garda escort Mr O'Dea appeared to calm down somewhat and answered the question.

"What? Non toll road compliance? Easy! Impound the car, seize their assets and shoot the fuckers on the spot. Simple really"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Driving, Ireland, DUI

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