Christians all over the world have long awaited the Second Coming of the Messiah. American televangelists have readied their 'fateful' flock to go to Israel and convert all Jews to the one true religion - Americanism - with the return of Jesus.
However, new scrolls uncovered at a Jerusalem dig reveal (in what will be a huge disappointment to American-Zionistas)- why Jesus will NEVER return.
In what is being hailed as the 'New Revelation', Dr. Shiksa Pischer has translated the Aramaic script. It spells out 10 main reasons why Jesus will never return:
- Jesus was a Jewish rabbi and doesn't subscribe to Christianity
- Jesus doesn't speak Latin or 'merican. He spoke Aramaic, Hebrew, possibly Greek and may have been conversant in other local dialects. He would never be understood at an American airport or be able to understand an American Customs agent
- His name was Yeshua. He does not answer to Jesus, Lawd Jesus, JC or any such appellations. Christ is an Anglicized version of the Greek Christos and Jesus never really referred to himself as such
- Jesus is from Palestine. This makes him small, brown-skinned with features common to the Middle East. There were no photographs taken of him. This is why he does not understand who that pale-skinned, blond-haired blue-eyed Swedish dude is, that "Christians" worship in his name.
- Jesus walked among the poor, preached in simple parables and ate sparsely. He does not know who these imperial, well-fed, Vatican-ite fat cats are, who wear designer clothes and never venture out "among the masses"
- Jesus is not a top sports coach or athlete. His only athletic ability was confined to a walk on water. He does not lead "Team Jesus". He doesn't play favorites and believes in equality for all humans therefore cannot answer one team's prayers to help them "whoop the butt off" the opposing team.
- Jesus has dark piercing eyes, walks barefoot, has a dark beard, wears a long homespun cotton robe and has a heavy Middle-Eastern accent.
- Jesus fears that if he arrives in America looking the way he does and speaks, "American Christians" will swarm all over him, slap handcuffs on him, interrogate him for days, subject him to water-boarding and refuse him a fair trial and pack him off to Guantanamo Bay
- Jesus feels he has already gone through this torture once before, under the Romans (the "creators" of Christianity)
- It is because of all these reasons that God has determined Jesus will never return to Earth. No father can put his son through such suffering again. As far as God is concerned "humans had their chance and they blew it".
Dr. Pischer translated the scroll revealing for the first time Jesus' final words to Mary Magdalene at the mouth of the empty tomb:
"Miriam, there are other worlds for me to go to where I will be better welcomed - Shalom"
